Help me make fun of the Trump Administration all day long. Become a paid subscriber to support me for just $2.50 a month.
- President Trump loves M&M candies in his ice cream, but makes Chef Markowitz remove all the brown ones. Her predecessor was fired when Trump found a single brown M&M he had missed.
- Trump claimed to French President Macron that he invented the recipe to the McDonald’s Big Mac sandwich.
- When Trump eats tacos and some meat or lettuce falls out, he yells out to whoever is dining with him that “the wall just got ten feet higher!”
- Trump’s favorite pizza topping is sauerkraut.
- Trump critiques the Diet Coke cans he drinks like a scotch aficionado would rate a fine whiskey, and often makes comments on each can’s flavor profile as well as how it smells “on the nose.”
- Trump leaves lipstick stains on all the straws he uses.
- Trump often comments to dinner guests that global warming can’t be real because ice cream still exists.
- Trump forbids vegetables from being served. Markowitz once described asparagus, and Trump said he had never heard of it. When shown a picture, he claimed it was “fake news.”
- Trump delicately takes off all the skin of his fried chicken with a knife and fork, and sets it to the side of his plate. Then, he removes all the lean meat and discards it. The fat that’s left he wraps up inside the pieces of skin and eats it, often slurping the fat out of the middle like it’s an oyster. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe threw up the first time he had dinner with Trump and witnessed this.
- The only part of a turkey Trump eats is the breasts. He and Stephen Miller have had several dinner discussions on what they think human breasts taste like. Miller described the taste with such vivid detail and creepy confidence that Markowitz believes he has actually eaten human flesh before.
- Trump is adamant that Obama “had to have” eaten more fried chicken than him, despite vigorous disagreement from every White House staff member.
- Trump goes through a 20-oz ketchup bottle every week.
- Trump changes into stretchy pants before every meal because he says buttons are “rigged against him.”
- When world leaders dine with Trump, he reaches across the table and eats off their plates, which he calls a “power move” to assert dominance.
- Every night Trump eats three servings of the dinner’s dessert, and tells the table, “I’m never like this, I can’t believe how bad I’m being tonight.”
- At the end of dinners, Trump pops off the cap of a Sharpie marker and starts huffing it, holding it like a cigar and sticking the tip deep inside his nostril. He offers markers to everyone else at the table in a fancy wooden box, but few partake with him. Ted Cruz once did, and blacked out.
- Trump orders a meal he calls “The Donald” from McDonald’s, and McDonald’s employees know what it means: two Big Mac sandwiches cooked well-done with five packets of ketchup per sandwich, two Filets-O-Fish with five packets of mayonnaise per sandwich, and an M&M McFlurry with all the brown M&Ms removed.
- Trump forbids his chefs to bring him any foods that are green in color, and has threatened repeatedly to tariff all imported vegetables.
- When Stephen Miller dines with Trump, he meticulously takes off all the skin of his fried chicken with a knife and fork in as big of pieces as possible, and takes it home with him in bags for unspecified reasons.
- Trump likes to go into the kitchen before dinners and spit in his guests’ food, particularly the food of GOP members of Congress, and he makes all staff sign non-disclosure agreements about it when they first get hired.
- To look strong and tough in front of other people, Trump likes to send back the dishes brought to him with some complaint about it not being prepared right, and the servers know to just wait in the kitchen for two minutes before bringing back the same plate.
- When dining with tech executives, Trump always says the same Michael Scott joke from the TV show The Office while ordering: “I’d like the chicken breast, hold the chicken,” except Trump has never seen The Office, and just says that because he’s a real-life perv.
- The chefs have learned to always double everything Trump orders because of how often he hears bad news about his criminal investigations, indictments, and civil lawsuits, and then throws his plates against the wall in a fury smearing ketchup everywhere.Trump loves eating mini-cupcakes, baby carrots, and burger sliders because his hands look bigger holding them.
- Trump tells his waiters every single meal, “Don’t worry, I’m going to treat you right on the tip,” and then stiffs them.
- Trump forbids anyone from praying before meals or blessing the food, and, even when someone tries to pray, Trump will just start eating his fried chicken while moaning to himself, and then interrupt the prayer to explain to the table how a lot of people don’t know this but it’s actually healthy to cut out red meat a couple times a week and eat an entire rotisserie chicken instead.
- Trump sneaks into the kitchen and sprinkles ground up weight-loss pills onto the food of any female staffers, diplomats, or world leaders he thinks “would look hotter if they lost 15 pounds.”
- Trump eats pizzas made with ketchup for the sauce and topped with sauerkraut once a week.
- When Republican members of Congress come to Mar-a-Lago asking for his endorsement, he makes them eat lasagna until they throw up on their children’s heads to earn it.
- Trump once told a group of Black Congressional Republicans that he can’t be racist because chocolate ice cream is his favorite flavor, and much more than vanilla.
- Trump invites Don Jr. and Eric to dinners he hosts with his business partners, but makes them sit at a separate “kids’ table.”
- Every time Ivanka walks by while he’s eating, Trump takes out his dentures, grabs the most phallic-shaped food on his plate, and then simulates the teeth giving a blowjob to the phallic-shaped food to try to amuse the people he’s dining with.
- Trump forbids his chefs to ever serve him any form of sausage because of how often he hears people compare the shape, size, and appearance of his fingers to tiny, chubby breakfast sausage links.
- Trump once was accidentally served a glass with regular Coke in it instead of his customary Diet Coke, and he demanded to be taken to Walter Reed Hospital immediately to get his stomach pumped.
- After Trump eats he licks his fingers jamming each digit into his mouth up to his knuckles.
- If you enjoy my warped sense of humor, become a paid subscriber to support my comedy that so relentlessly mocks the Trump Administration every day for just $2.50 a month! 🥃
☕️ Or buy me a coffee if you want to help keep me caffeinated.
Our social media platforms are getting scrambled by oligarchs so if you like my writing, diversify where you follow me so you never miss my jokes to interrupt your doomscrolling: Threads, Twitter, Bluesky, Facebook, Instagram, Spoutible, Medium, and Substack.
If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published three books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, Satire In The Biden Years, and Trump Comedy.
I’ve also published four existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 