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- An Internet poll found that 97% of women want Andrew Tate’s cannibal prison neighbor to eat him.
- One of America’s top doctors says Elon Musk should double his testosterone dosage because then maybe he won’t be afraid to see a Black person in a movie about seafaring adventurers hopelessly lost in the sea adjacent to Africa.
- Andrew Tate’s cannibal prison cell neighbor reportedly keeps telling him, “You looked absolutely delicious in your purple blouse and capris pants when you got arrested.”
- Conservative podcasters who spent the last two weeks complaining about how The Odyssey’s diverse casting is “historically inaccurate” are now ranting this week about an upcoming, historically accurate movie about the Bible in which Jesus has brown skin, hair, and eyes.
- Mitch McConnell’s latest proof-of-life photo is widely being considered a fake AI creation after Internet sleuths pointed out that the famous turtle lover is shown smiling and giving a thumbs up with a tortoise in his lap.
- The administrator of the Facebook group “Outing Democrat Pedophiles” just changed the group’s name to “Outing Pedophiles” after he realized 97% of the news articles about pedophile arrests he found were about Republicans.
- The warden of the jail where Andrew Tate is being held has asked people to stop mailing bottles of BBQ sauce addressed to Tate’s cannibal cell mate with the label “Tate Sauce.”
- A new poll found that 86% of Americans want Elon Musk to disappear for 10 years while making his AI version of The Odyssey.
- Several newspaper editors are declaring “Fuck it,” and publishing their obituaries of Mitch McConnell.
- A top conservative podcaster is beginning to worry he might actually be a little racist after realizing his entire week was ruined when he heard that The Odyssey cast a Black Helen, and when The Little Mermaid cast a Black Ariel, and when Amazon’s The Lord of the Rings cast Black elves.
- Trump reportedly hopes that starting a second war in Yemen against the Houthis will distract everyone in America from how he’s losing in his struggles against Iran, inflation, diarrhea, the Reflecting Pool, and his dangerously high blood pressure.
- Several art galleries are reportedly “very interested” in paying Hunter Biden top dollar for him to paint a series of pieces depicting the “Closetocracy” and outing all the secretly gay Republicans ruining our democracy in projection of their internal shame and rage.
- Trump promises his new deal to let Saudi Arabia enrich uranium and proliferate nuclear weapons has nothing to do with the billions of dollars he and Jared Kushner have solicited from the Saudi royal family.
- Elon Musk’s “historically accurate” AI version of The Odyssey already has three “420” jokes in it.
- A man dressed in a turtle costume is reportedly being detained after trying to get into the Senate chamber, and says he can’t believe the security guards don’t recognize the 7-term senior senator from Kentucky.
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published three books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, Satire In The Biden Years, and Trump Comedy.
I’ve also published four existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 