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- A billionaire is reportedly offering Pete Hegseth $10,000 to stop taking testosterone for two weeks to clear any supplements from his body, and then publicly release the results of his natural T levels.
- Trump is reportedly so depressed and angry about being made fun of by 2 billion World Cup viewers for photobombing Spain’s trophy celebration that he’s calling an emergency cabinet meeting today to hear all his secretaries tell him he’s a special boy.
- A top GOP official says he can’t believe Democrats aren’t making a bigger deal about the 18 soldiers killed by Iranian attacks and hundreds more injured saying, “If this happened under Kamala Harris you know we’d be going Benghazi all over again, and using those soldiers as political props to attack Democrats every day until the 2028 election!”
- A new poll found that 79% of Americans support drafting Barron Trump to Iran if Trump orders a ground invasion.
- Trump reportedly wants to give another prime time address to the nation, this time to refute claims that he humiliated himself at the FIFA World Cup.
- Pete Hegseth is reportedly beginning to wonder if it’s unmanly and not masculine to lie for months about the number of US casualties Iran is maiming and killing, and hide the extensive damage Iranian attacks have done to all our Middle Eastern bases.
- Top national security whistleblowers are warning they have “no confidence” in Kash Patel’s capacity to stay sober in Moscow, and they fear his psychological insecurity and desperation for validation will allow Russians to compromise him without even having to bribe him or honeypot him with women.
- FBI officials are worried Putin will give Pash Patel various flash drives he claims has proof of Biden’s crimes that Trump will want, and then Kash will plug them into a bunch of FBI computers and infect the entire US government with Russian spyware and malware.
- FIFA officials reportedly gave Trump a World Cup trophy engraved with his name on it real big prior to the final award ceremony so he wouldn’t try to steal the one given to the Spanish players.
- Kash Patel is reportedly asking his FBI staffers if they think Vladimir Putin would respect him if he brought Putin a bunch of his “Ka$h” branded merch.
- Pete Hegseth reportedly wants Trump to make a deal with the UK to free the Tate brothers so that Hegseth can promote them as generals in the US military to teach the troops how to be masculine and dress better.
- Trump’s staffers have reportedly made him an AI video to cheer him up in which Spain’s World Cup players insist he join their team photo as 19-year-old superstar Lamine Yamal lifts Trump up onto his shoulders and they give him all the FIFA trophies they won.
- Executives at Tesla, SpaceX, and Twitter are reportedly enthusiastic about Elon Musk spending the rest of the year directing an “non-Woke” AI version of The Odyssey because it means he’ll stop living like a rat in their boardrooms, interrupting their work a dozen times a day to tell 69 and 420 jokes, and trying to solicit female managers into having his babies.
- Kash Patel is reportedly worried he will have a suspiciously sudden heart attack like Lindsey Graham the day after he gets back from his trip to Russia.
- White House staffers say Trump’s body odor has gotten even worse lately because he has starting wearing a bra under his suits which has led to “much more underboob sweat.”
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published three books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, Satire In The Biden Years, and Trump Comedy.
I’ve also published four existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 