Washington D.C.—
The Republican Party has been rocked with yet another sex scandal, this time from Senator Ralph Whittington of Idaho, whose former mistress today released a secret tape she recorded several months ago of Whittington screaming at her to terminate an accidental pregnancy.
The scandal is particularly newsworthy considering Senator Whittington is a vocal critic of abortion and women’s rights, and has authored several separate Congressional bills calling for women to be arrested and imprisoned during menstruation for flushing eggs down the toilet unless they submit an “approval-of-period” form signed by their husbands to their local police departments to keep on file.
His prospective legislation has always been unclear on how it would be enforced, but a lack of co-sponsors has not stopped Whittington from filing a new draft of the bill every session of Congress.
Responding to the sex scandal, Whittington first claimed the video was fake news, though after its authenticity was confirmed he claimed he had been tricked into wanting an abortion by what he called the “Gay Mafia.”
“Folks, you know me, I’m the biggest follower of Jesus in this God-forsaken capital,” Whittington said in a video he released soon after the tape was publicized. “I know that the tape sounds bad and icky, but I’ll be 100% honest with you all: it has been released totally out of context. You see, I’ve been blackmailed by the Gay Mafia for several weeks now because they know I live and fight for Christian values. It all started a little while ago when I went to a gay club undercover to try and figure out what the Gay Mafia was up to in their terrifying scheme to force all good Christians to submit to their homosexual agenda, and while I was there I had a few too many drinks while blending myself into the scene because I obviously had to act natural in order to do effective reconnaissance. So I got a little tipsy, and had to use the restroom. When I finally got to the bathroom stall there must have been some gay sperm on the floor or something because I slipped, grabbed a toilet lid for balance, accidentally snorted a few lines of cocaine that someone had irresponsibly left on the seat, stepped on my pant leg which pulled down my trousers, got my shirt collar stuck on the door’s coat hook which ripped it off, and I guess the centrifugal force of my spinning made my underwear fall to my ankles leaving me naked, and then I fell onto another man’s erect penis. It was a case of real bad timing because there just so happened to be a photographer in the bathroom at the same time, who caught all of this in a series of photographs, and he told me he’s planning to release them sometime today because I would not pay him $50,000 in blackmail money. Folks, believe me when I say this is all just one big misunderstanding. When I fell onto that naked man’s engorged penis, I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do, so I immediately started praying. The photos show that. You all know how serious I am during church services when I’m praying, right? Nothing distracts me from my intense passion for and faithfulness to Jesus Christ. That’s why in these illicit photos you’ll see me with my eyes closed and then continue to accidentally do sodomy with this man for dozens of more photos. It’s not because I’m enjoying it, I can assure you. It’s only because 100% of my Earthly attention is being directed to Jesus, and I barely notice at all that I’m being spelunked in my colon. But, anyway, back to the abortion allegation, well, because I accidentally did a sodomy, I really felt like God was telling me I had to get straight again. So I called up a hooker and had the sex that got her pregnant while taking photos of the affair to be able to prove to everyone that I was straight, and that the only sex I intentionally do is heterosexual sex, therefore proving to everyone that the homosexual sex I did was just an accident! In hindsight, I now realize that I should have just gone home and studied the New Testament with my wife, but perhaps the Devil snuck into my head while my ears were still ringing from the gay club’s loud, satanic Lady Gaga music, and Satan tempted me in a way that makes none of this my fault. So, fast forward a couple weeks later, the hooker called me up and said she was knocked up, and I guess the Devil may have snuck in again and made me threaten violence against her unless she aborted it. But thankfully I said a prayer and banished Satan as soon as the abortion was finished so that God totally forgave me of this whole mess that never would have happened in the first place if gay marriage hadn’t been legalized. Also, sometimes when I come home at night the dishes aren’t all done and my dinner is room temperature, so my wife deserves some of the blame for my various infidelities as well. But now the hooker is blackmailing me, too, so I’ve decided to just come clean and admit my sins to the public. Of course the libtards are going to call me a hypocrite for all of this, but actually I’ve been totally vindicated because I’ve spent my whole political career saying this is the exact sort of thing that would happen if gays were allowed to have the same rights as straights. I’ve been saying it for decades that America’s morals are going down the drain, and I’m just the latest Gay Agenda victim of their Godless, socialist war against Christianity. So I want to take a moment now to thank all my faithful supporters and fellow followers of Leviticus for your continued prayers for me in my struggle against the decline in America’s family values. To thank you all I promise I will work even harder from now on to pass my legislative goals to keep all unmarried women in prison until their future husbands unlock them and let them out for their wedding days!”
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