The Republican Party has been rocked with yet another sex scandal, this time with Senator Ralph Whittington of Idaho, whose former mistress today released a secret tape she recorded several months ago of the Senator yelling at her to terminate an accidental pregnancy.
The scandal is particularly newsworthy considering Senator Whittington is a vocal critic of abortion and women’s rights, and has authored several different Congressional bills calling for women to be arrested and imprisoned during menstruation for flushing eggs down the toilet unless they submit an approval-of-period form signed by their husbands to their local police departments to keep on file.
His prospective legislation has always been unclear on how it would be enforced, but a lack of co-sponsors has not stopped Whittington from filing a revised draft of the bill each new session of Congress.
Responding to the sex scandal, Whittington first claimed the video was fake news, though after its authenticity was confirmed he claimed he had been tricked into wanting an abortion by what he called the “Gay Mafia.”
“Folks, you know me, I’m the biggest follower of Jesus in this God-forsaken capital,” said Whittington in a video he released soon after the tape was publicized. “I know that the tape looks really bad, but I’ll be 100% honest with you all: it has been edited so it’s totally out of context. You see, I’ve been blackmailed by the Gay Mafia for several weeks now because they know I live and fight for Christian values. It all started a little while ago when I went to a gay club undercover to figure out what the Gay Mafia was up to in their terrifying scheme to force all good Christians to submit to their homosexual agenda, and while I was there I had a few too many drinks because I had to act natural in that setting in order to do my spying. So I got a little tipsy and had to use the restroom. When I finally got to the bathroom stall there must have been some gay sperm on the floor or something because I slipped, grabbed a toilet lid for balance, accidentally snorted a bunch of cocaine that someone had irresponsibly left on the seat, stepped on my pant leg which pulled down my trousers, got my shirt collar stuck on the door’s coat hook which ripped it off, and I guess the centrifugal force of my spinning made my underwear fall to my ankles leaving me naked, and then I fell onto another man’s erect penis. It was a case of real bad timing because there just so happened to be a photographer in the bathroom at the same time, who caught all this on film in a series of photographs that the Gay Mafia got ahold of and have been blackmailing me with ever since. Well, because I accidentally did a sodomy, I really felt like God was telling me I had to get straight again, so I called up a hooker and had the sex that got her pregnant. In hindsight, I now realize that I should have just gone home and studied the New Testament with my wife, but perhaps the Devil snuck into my head while my ears were still ringing from the gay club’s loud, satanic Lady Gaga music and tempted me in a way that makes none of this my fault. Well, a few weeks later, when the hooker told me she was knocked up, I may have threatened violence against her unless she aborted it. The Devil took over for a little bit then, too, but thankfully I said a prayer and banished Satan as soon as the abortion was finished so that God totally forgave me. But, like I said, all this is just a giant misunderstanding, and, at the end of the day, none of this would have ever happened if gay marriage had never been legalized. Also, sometimes when I come home at night the dishes aren’t all done, so my wife deserves some of the blame as well. The libtards are calling me a hypocrite for all of this, but actually I’ve been totally vindicated because I’ve spent my whole political career saying this is the exact sort of thing that would happen if gays were allowed to have the same rights as straights. I’ve been saying it for decades that America’s morals are going down the drain, and I’m just the latest victim of this secular war on Christianity. So I wanted to take a moment to thank all my supporters for your continued prayers for me in my struggle against the decline in America’s faithfulness and Godliness. To thank you all, I promise I will work even harder to pass my legislative goals to keep all unmarried women in prison until their future husbands unlock them and let them out for their wedding days!”
More from The Halfway Post vault:
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!