New York City, NY—
The Girls Scouts of America recently did an internal audit, and, among other discoveries, found that President Donald Trump has stiffed dozens of New York City girl scouts over the last 40 years.
“The National Girl Scouts Committee recently endeavored to digitize all our records going back to the organization’s founding,” explained Girl Scouts National Director Sarah Maybel, “And that included the decades’ worth of records on unpaid cookie bills that various local troops submit to us annually for reimbursement. When we were entering in the data for the New York City district, we kept seeing the Trump name appear over and over.”
When the full accounting was complete, Mr. Trump owed an average dollar amount of $75.49 to over 100 individual girls.
“I’ve heard all the stories of Donald Trump being a cheap asshole,” Maybel said, “And obviously he’s been sued thousands of times for not paying his employees, his contractors, his business partners, or his banking lenders… but twelve-year-old girls, too? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, though. After all, he’s literally been banned from running any form of charity in the entire state of New York for embezzling donations to children’s cancer funds. And maybe he literally never had any money to pay for the cookies. His dependence on Russian money over the years would certainly indicate that he doesn’t have much liquid cash, and that he’d never been as rich as he claims. And, when you think about it, it’s a good thing the Girl Scouts just wrote off his cookie debt every year, considering what a sexually deviant rapist he’s been revealed to have been all these years. His Trump Tower penthouse door may be one of the most dangerous doors in America to knock on in America.”
The audit also revealed that literally every box of Girl Scout cookies Trump ever ordered were the shortbread Trefoil variety. Like a real freak.
President Donald Trump responded to this debt disclosure with the following tweet thread:
“The Girl Scouts are totally Fake News! Their cookies are totally over-rated, and those hussies actually owe me money because their quality is so low! In fact, starting right now, I’m suing the Girl Scouts for $5 billion! I could pay that $10k bill so easily because I make such great deals, but those menstrual fuglies need to learn a lesson about business!”
“Besides, all those pre-teen girls are just jealous they’re nowhere near as hot as Ivanka was when she was that age. Seriously, check out the photos. What a piece of ass! And she has my genes. Can you imagine if I was a chick? I’d be so hot. Talk about a pussy I’d want to grab… my own!”
“And unlike all the other whores, I wouldn’t fight back, or accuse myself of sexual assault. If I were a chick, I’d know how to take my own compliments! If I could have one wish granted, I’d totally have sex with myself, and then pay myself $130,000 to stay quiet about it!”