Trump Says He’d Love For John Bolton To Testify, But That Bolton Is Under Audit

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump today answered questions for reporters about his coming impeachment trial in the Senate, and claimed that his former National Security Adviser, John Bolton, can’t testify because he’s currently under audit.

“No one would love for John Bolton to testify more than me,” said Trump. “I want him to testify, believe me. But unfortunately he’s still under audit, and you can’t testify while you’re under audit. It’s just like my tax returns all over again. We’re looking into it, though. We’re examining every angle, but—you know me—I follow all the laws 100%. A lot of people don’t know this, but John Bolton’s testimony would make me look so innocent you wouldn’t believe it. President Trump is squeaky clean. Maybe one of the cleanest ever. Everyone’s talking about how innocent Bolton’s testimony would make me look. But, like I said, it’s under audit, so he can’t be allowed to say anything. And also I’m applying executive privilege to everything he’ll ever say from here on out until eternity. And if he ever hints that I might have done anything illegal, it’s all fake news and he’s always been a Never-Trumper who hates all the winning America is doing now that America is great again. But great guy. I just hope he remembers that snitches get stitches, and that, if he ever says a word against me, he’s a total rat who should be hung for treason like the vermin filth that he is. But again, his testimony would be just so tremendous—so innocent. And no one wants him to testify more than me, I promise.”

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