Washington D.C.—
A new year means a new federal audit of our public government, and the bureaucratic review of 2019 offered statistics President Donald Trump began calling “fake news” before the official report was even published.
The Department of Federal Oversight’s (DFO) exhaustive analysis of the United States’ public bureaucracy found that Mr. Trump is officially the laziest federal worker ever recorded since the DFO began compiling annual reports in 1822 per the Bureaucratic Accountability Act of 1821 signed into law by James Monroe.
The Act was motivated by a scandal in the Monroe Administration, in which a mid-level Department of War official named Burris Harrison was found to have been paid full salary for two years despite never showing up for even a single day of work. Harrison had gotten away with his scam under the guise of conducting “field research,” while actually spending his time gambling federal money in a saloon on the Ohio frontier.
Since the Act’s signing (and Harrison’s firing), no federal employee has come close to such truancy and laziness… until President Donald Trump.
“In the interest of transparency, we have to admit that we literally had to restructure our grading guidelines because the current President’s level of incompetence and golf-related truancy is unheard of and entirely novel, especially in modern political times,” explained DFO Chairman Mike Rollings. “Don’t get me wrong, our department’s annual reports have discovered lazy, incompetent federal workers before, and we’ve recommended firings or re-training initiatives to relevant executive branch department heads, but never has a federal worker so brazenly abandoned the bare minimum requirements of his or her job as President Trump has. He only starts working after hours of watching Fox News in the morning, his schedule is full of bogusly labeled ‘Executive Time,’ and he never does any legitimate press conferences. Not only has the guy spent 1/3rd of his term on vacations, but he visits his own properties so that he’s essentially money laundering tax dollars into his own bank account. President Trump is not only lazy from a governmental standpoint, but he’s even an incredibly lazy worker at the Trump Organization. He’s not looking for any new clients, investors, business partners, or even customers. He’s literally being his own customer and straight up embezzling taxpayer money. It’s like inception of laziness. And he adds insult to budgetary injury by making a big show of giving his presidential salary to various governmental departments that he eviscerates with steep budget cuts, as if he’s not personally earning incredibly higher amounts of money charging the government every day for housing and entertaining himself, his aides, and Secret Service agents at his own properties.”
In the conclusion of the DFO’s report, the department issued an entirely unparalleled recommendation for a bureaucratic solution to Trump’s terrible work ethic.
“Of course our report was controversial, but—from a bureaucratic-integrity standpoint—we could not think of a more rational or obvious solution to improving the US bureaucracy than impeaching Trump and removing him from office,” explained Rollins. “The guy spent all of 2019 wasting America’s time, money, global reputation, and even civil decency. We studied Trump’s effect on the government, and it’s painfully unambiguous that America’s government would actually function better without any president at all than it currently functions with Mr. Trump at the helm. He wastes all his underlings’ time as well by forcing them to clean up the diplomatic and civic messes he makes every day by being such an ignorant Chief Executive, and he just hasn’t take the time, even three years into having the job, to learn what roles and responsibilities are expected of him as President. It’s a controversial recommendation to fire the President, but—let’s be honest—would McDonalds, Walmart, or any other employer anywhere continue to pay a worker as blatantly lazy, incompetent, and blatantly disrespectful to everyone around him as Trump? I think we can all agree that our democracy would be wholly improved by trimming the fat, so to speak, with President Trump.”
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