Betsy DeVos Issues New Rule Mandating All Subsidized School Lunches Get Spit In

Washington D.C.—

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos has earned widespread criticism for a new rule she issued earlier this week mandating that all subsidized school lunches given to poor children in public schools must first be spit in by “at least one white lunch lady.”

“I want nothing but the best for our school children,” explained Mrs. DeVos in a press conference yesterday, “and the only way we can help students from poor, urban families develop a work ethic they’ll never be taught at home from their lazy, morally deficient and under-earning parents is to humiliate them as much as possible. It’s not their fault they weren’t born into wealthy families like my kids, or me, or my husband, but if we spit righteous loogies into every drink, entrée and side dish these kids get at school, we can remind them that someday they might be rich, too, and be able to rise above the spit-on and become the spitters themselves! I didn’t need to eat and drink copious amounts of saliva to grow up and be rich when I was a kid because my family was already rich, and then I later married into an even richer family, but, if I had been born into a poor family, I am positive that regularly being forced to consume good Christian lunch lady phlegm with thick, mucous viscosity while the rich kids at my school laughed and jeered at me would have inspired me to work hard in all my classes to make sure I’d never struggle financially. These students from poor families will thank me when they’re older, I promise you that!”

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