Betsy DeVos Issues New Rule Mandating All Subsidized School Lunches Get Spit In

Washington D.C.—

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos has earned widespread criticism for a new rule she issued earlier this week mandating that all subsidized school lunches given to poor children in public schools must first be spit in by “at least one lunch lady.”

“I want nothing but the best for our schoolchildren,” explained Mrs. DeVos in a press conference today, “and the only way we can help students from poor, urban families develop a work ethic they’ll never be taught at home from their lazy, morally deficient and under-earning parents is to humiliate them as much as possible. It’s not their fault they weren’t born into wealthy families like my kids, or me, or my husband, but if we ungrudgingly spit loogies into every drink, entrée, and side dish these kids get at school, we can remind them that someday, if they study hard, they might be rich, too, and be able to rise above the spit-on and become the spitters themselves. I didn’t need to eat and drink copious amounts of saliva to grow up and be rich when I was a kid because my family was already rich, and then I later married into an even richer family, but, if I had been born into a poor family, I am 100% positive that regularly being forced to consume lunch lady phlegm with thick, mucous viscosity tinged with the bitter flavor of cigarette smoke while all the rich kids at my school laughed and jeered at me would have inspired me to work hard in all my classes to make sure I’d never struggle financially. These students from poor families will thank me when they’re older and lower-middle-class, I promise you that!”

Mrs. DeVos then made a disparaging remark about public school students to a staffer while her microphone was still unintentionally hot:

“The stench of children whose parents don’t own multiple homes, have yachts, or take the family on seasonal vacations really lingers in the air, doesn’t it? Oh, how I detest the putrid stench of even people in the upper-middle class, and don’t even get me started on the olfactory horrors of poverty! It’s such a distraction for the rich children. I can’t wait until there are charter schools in every town, and unofficial segregation of schoolchildren is back in force! Believe me when I tell you that I didn’t see even one girl with a purse that cost more than a hundred dollars at the school I visited this morning. It was a nightmare! From now on, if there isn’t at least one Land Rover in the parking lot of the school we’re dropping in to say hello to for these dumb press events, we’re just leaving!”

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