Education Secretary Betsy DeVos today released a revised budget proposal for her department, and one of its most controversial details concerns how she plans to allocate funds approved by Congress to combat the spread of the global coronavirus pandemic in schools throughout the nation.
“I cannot stress enough to parents of school children across America that I am taking serious my responsibility to protect our students from the coronavirus,” explained Mrs. DeVos in a press conference this morning. “I asked Congress to vote on giving the Education Department more money to protect the health and well-being of our schools, and I think with the funding I have received I can do a lot to not save every student, but I can save some of them. There just is not enough vaccines for the coronavirus to go around for every student. So, for the last few days I’ve been grappling with how to divvy up the limited supply of vaccines fairly. Unfortunately, there’s just too many white students in America for me to divvy up the vaccines according to the obvious choice of race, and it would be unfair to a lot of white kids who wouldn’t get the vaccine they deserve. Then I wondered if I could give out the coronavirus vaccines according to religious belief, but there’s just too many Christians to cover all of them as well. Then it hit me to go by wealth. I couldn’t believe I didn’t think of it sooner because it’s so obvious! After all, there’s no reason to save a bunch of disadvantaged students whose parents are too poor to afford paying professional writers to author their college application essays in order to get them into Ivy League schools! That doesn’t make sense! We should only give the vaccines to the kids whose parents have enough money to bribe college administrators and sports coaches to ensure they get into schools that aren’t just gross community colleges or trade schools. So disgusting. I threw up in my mouth just at the thought of my kids ever getting a blue collar job. And this decision works economically as well because rich parents typically have the best connections for their kids to get high-paying jobs right out of college. That’s the kind of winning that our economy needs. So, effective next week, my department will just be giving the coronavirus vaccines for kids whose parents make at least $300,000 a year because they are the ones who have every opportunity in life ahead of them to really deserve getting the vaccine. But I promise, America, that this isn’t about hating sad children who were born into poor families. It’s just a sober, rational metric to most effectively maximize the outcome of using our limited supply of vaccines. In fact, no one is rooting more for poor kids than me! And, who knows, maybe because poor kids don’t bathe very often the dirt on their skin will protect them from coronavirus. Rich kids are much cleaner, so they’re probably more at risk of getting coronavirus because they don’t have a protective layer of filth between germs and their beautiful white skin!”
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