Education Secretary Betsy DeVos today released a revised budget proposal for her department, and one of its most controversial details concerns how she plans to allocate funds approved by Congress to combat the spread of the global coronavirus pandemic in schools throughout the nation.
“I cannot stress enough to parents across America that I’m taking serious my responsibility to protect our students from the coronavirus,” DeVos explained in a press conference this morning. “I asked Congress to give the Education Department more funding for vaccines, and I think with the resources I’ve received I can do a lot to not save every student, but I can save some of them. However, there just are not enough vaccines to go around for every student. So, for the last few days, I’ve been grappling with how to distribute the limited supply fairly. Unfortunately, there’s just too many white students in America for me to divvy up the vaccines according to the obvious choice of race, so that’s not practical. Then I wondered if I could give out the COVID vaccines according to religious belief, but, again, there’s just too many Christians who would be left out by that process. But then it hit me to go by wealth, and I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it first because it’s so obvious! I think we can all agree there’s no reason to vaccinate a bunch of disadvantaged students whose parents are too poor to afford paying professional writers to author their college application essays in order to get them into Ivy League schools! We should only give the vaccines to students whose parents have enough money for the necessary bribing of college administrators and sports coaches to ensure admittance into schools that aren’t just gross community colleges or trade schools. So disgusting! I threw up in my mouth just at the thought of my kids ever getting a blue collar job! And this decision works economically as well because rich parents have the best connections for their kids to get high-paying jobs right out of college. That’s the kind of winning our economy needs! So, effective next week, my department will only be giving the COVID vaccines for students whose parents make at least $300,000 a year. These students alone have the kind of life opportunities ahead of them we need to safeguard. But I promise, America, that this isn’t about hating financially doomed children who were born into poor families. It’s just a sober, rational metric to most effectively maximize the outcome of distributing our very limited supply of vaccines. And, who knows, maybe because poor kids don’t bathe very often the dirt on their skin will protect them from COVID. Rich kids are cleaner, so they’re more at risk. They don’t have a protective layer of filth between COVID germs and their beautiful white skin!”
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