New York City, NY—
Tomi Lahren is famous for her firebrand schtick as a rare Millennial conservative, and often mocks her fellow Millennials she calls “snowflakes” because she detests her generation’s collective interest in achieving greater social equality. She made viral news this morning when she joined the hosts of Fox & Friends to renounce her identity as a Millennial altogether.
“I want to share something very personal with the Fox News community,” she said. “I’ve known this for a long, long time, and it’s a secret I no longer wish to keep bottled up inside. I would like to announce that I’ve never felt truly authentic calling myself a Millennial, and if I’m being totally real with everyone… I’d like to admit once and for all that I self-identify as a Baby Boomer. I’ve known it my whole life, but only recently have I gotten better at accepting my real personal truth enough to publicly acknowledge it. Since I was a kid I’ve always felt older than my real age, and various clues throughout my teenaged years made it obvious that I’m just not a Millennial, like how I’ve always felt threatened culturally by strong-minded, independently successful Black people. And how I’m much more pro-business than I am pro-women on issues like equal pay and Donald Trump’s rape accusers. And how I hate the way the Internet is radically changing our cultural awareness of inequality so that privileged elites are now suffering social and economic consequences for their malevolent exploitation of everyone else. I also feel personally harassed by minority holdouts in gentrified neighborhoods, coffee chain marketing that doesn’t specifically advertise Christianity exclusively, estate taxes, sitcoms with gay supporting characters, and hip-hop music. That doesn’t sound very Millennial of me, does it? It’s just who I am, and I can’t hide anymore. I’m a Baby Boomer. And I wanted viewers of Fox & Friends to be the first ones I told because you’re all pretty old, and your hoity-toity insults for all the progressive Millennials close to my dead age have always made me feel right at home here in the Fox News studio. Someday I hope to be a host on Fox & Friends myself, and I’d love to eventually become like a female Bill O’Reilly. His brand of hard-headed, faux blue-collar bigotry masking his personal elitism and stunning wealth has always inspired me, and I think, like him, I’d be very good at blaming all our societal problems on the outfits Beyoncé wears during her Super Bowl performances. So I just want to thank all of Fox’s viewers for your support in this crazy, transitional period in my life. Before I go, though, I’d like to add that I’d appreciate it if everyone started calling me not by my Millennial name ‘Tomi,’ but by my new and more Boomer-sounding name ‘Carol.’ Thank you for your love and support!”
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