Ken Starr Says If Trump Had Asked Zelensky For a BJ, It’d Be Totally Different

Washington D.C.—

After the Senate impeachment trial today, President Donald Trump’s lawyer Ken Starr, infamous for leading the carnival show that was President Bill Clinton’s impeachment trial over lying about a blowjob, was asked by reporters how on Earth Trump was less deserving of removal from office than Clinton.

“It’s actually very simple,” explained Starr to a Fox News correspondent. “If Trump had extorted the Ukrainian government in order to receive oral sex from President Zelensky, and then directed his administration and Congressional allies to cover up the sexual quid pro quo and obstruct House Democrats in investigating the sex-related bribery, then it would be a crime worthy of impeachment. Instead, all President Trump did was extort the Ukrainian government toward concocting a fake investigation into his political opponent for personal gain. While what President Trump did may sound bad and illegal, the precedent I set in the Clinton impeachment trial was that the only crimes worthy of impeachment involve sperm stains. Same deal with the Mueller Investigation. Had Trump sucked off Vladimir Putin, we’d have quite a case of oral collusion on our hands. Instead, Trump merely asked Putin several times to leak a bunch of Hillary Clinton’s emails that the Russian government had hacked. There’s no sperm stain, so what evidence could we present? Same thing with Michael Cohen’s alleged campaign finance violations. Had Michael Cohen slobbed the President’s knob, we’d have a much bigger Constitutional problem than just Cohen paying out hush money right before an election. Ditto for all these Emoluments Clause violations. Trump is only earning money from foreign governments buying out whole floors of his hotel for weeks at a time, but at no point has anyone alleged that Saudi or Turkish government employees have ever given Trump a deep-throated blumpkin, a gobby blowjizzle, or just an old-fashioned meat-beating. No sexual climax, no impeachment. That’s the rule!”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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