In a stunning political development, Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced this morning he would direct the Department of Justice to begin decriminalizing all drugs, effective immediately.
This unexpected change of heart will reportedly reverse previous efforts to roll back the more compassionate reforms of his predecessor, Eric Holder, as well as the Trump Administration’s hardline approach to drug crimes.
Sessions explained in a press conference this morning that his philosophical epiphany was motivated by an incident over the weekend in which he accidentally consumed one of his son’s marijuana brownies while helping him move into a new house.
“I mistook my son’s ‘special’ brownies in his refrigerator for regular brownies, and boy howdy did I go for a rollercoaster ride,” Sessions said. “We were bringing in boxes from the truck, and all of a sudden I realized something was very amiss. I got real giggly, and my arms and legs went numb until I started feeling every individual capillary in my bloodstream at work flowing my blood cells. I had to lie down, and a couple minutes or so later I was too high to move! My son realized what I had eaten, so he put the movie Dumb and Dumber on, and, by golly, it was the funniest movie I have ever seen. After the movie was over, my son gave me a binder filled with my grandson’s Pokémon cards, and I spent a full hour examining all the different monsters in there. They taught me things about evolution that I had never considered before, and I have to admit that I don’t think I believe in Creationism anymore. Getting high has truly changed my life.”
The first thing Sessions did this morning was immediately instruct all federal prosecutors in a department-wide memo to forget the aggressive drug prosecution policies he had previously crafted.
“This weekend was the first time I had ever done a drug, and it didn’t kill me like I always thought. I’m sorry to all the black Americans negatively affected by the criminalization of week. I never knew white people like my own son did drugs, too! And it made me realize something I had just plainly never thought of before… drugs are awesome!”
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