Jeff Sessions Decriminalizes All Drugs After Accidentally Eating 3 Pot Brownies


Washington D.C.—

In a stunning political development, Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced this morning that he would direct his justice department to begin decriminalizing all drugs, effective ASAP.

This is an unexpected change of heart for Sessions, who since his appointment to the job has instructed the Department of Justice back toward the tough-on-crime criminalization efforts that preceded the Obama Administration’s more compassionate reforms.

Sessions has controversially reversed Obama-era policies aimed at reducing mass incarceration, including former-Attorney General Eric Holder’s efforts toward relaxing enforcement of mandatory minimum-sentencing laws which disproportionately affect minorities.

A spokesperson for Sessions announced earlier today that the repeal of the nation’s harsh drug laws is long overdue.

Sessions himself explained in a press conference this morning that his change of heart is due to an incident over the weekend in which he accidentally helped himself to three of his son’s marijuana brownies while helping his son move furniture into a new house.

“I mistook my son’s ‘special’ brownies for regular brownies, and boy howdy did I go for a roller coaster ride,” Sessions said. “I was helping move in boxes to my son’s new house back in Alabama, and about an hour after consuming I realized something was very amiss. All of a sudden I got real giggly, my arms and legs went numb, and suddenly I could feel every individual capillary in my bloodstream at work. I had to lie down, and after another twenty minutes or so I was too high to move. My son realized what I had eaten, so he put the movie Dumb and Dumber on, and by golly it was the funniest shit I have ever seen. After the movie was over, my son gave me a binder filled with my grandson’s Pokémon cards, and I spent three hours examining all the different monsters in there. It taught me things about evolution that I had never considered before, and I have to admit I don’t believe in Creationism anymore. Getting high has truly changed my life.”

The first thing Sessions did this morning was immediately instruct all federal prosecutors in a department-wide memo to forget the aggressive drug policies he had previously crafted.

“I had an epiphany while I was stoned out of my mind,” said Sessions. “It was the first time I had ever done a drug, and it made me realize something I had just plainly never thought of before: drugs are awesome.”

*This story is developing.*

(Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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