Washington D.C.—
In a wild political development, Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced this morning he would direct the Department of Justice to begin decriminalizing all drugs, effective immediately.
This unexpected change of heart will reverse previous efforts to roll back the more compassionate reforms of his predecessor, Eric Holder, as well as the Trump Administration’s hardline approach to drug crimes.
Sessions, whose eyes were bright red and feet were bare, explained in a press conference this morning that his philosophical epiphany was motivated by an incident the night before in which he accidentally consumed one of his son’s edible marijuana brownies while helping him and his roommates move into a new apartment.
“I mistook my son’s ‘special’ brownies in their refrigerator for regular brownies, and boy howdy did I go for a rollercoaster ride!” Sessions exclaimed. “We were bringing in boxes from the truck, and all of a sudden I realized something was very amiss. My arms and legs went numb, and I could barely stand. Then I got real giggly. It wasn’t long before I started feeling every individual capillary in my bloodstream at work flowing through my blood cells, and I got so freaked out I had to lie down! A couple minutes or so later I was too high to move! My son realized what I had eaten, so he put the movie Dumb and Dumber on for me, and, by golly, it was the funniest movie I’ve ever seen! I was laughing for two hours straight! After the movie was over, my son gave me a binder filled with his old Pokémon cards, and I spent a full hour examining all the different monsters in there. They taught me things about evolution I had never considered before, and I have to admit that I don’t think I believe in Creationism anymore. Also, two of my son’s friends were Black fellows, and they and I got along famously once I realized they were some of the trustworthy ones, and I didn’t have to keep one hand on my wallet the whole time I was carrying boxes up and down the stairs. It certainly made the box carrying much easier when I could use both hands! It made me think that maybe I’m being too strict about mass incarceration if some people of color who do drugs are totally chill dudes. I’ll be honest, getting high has truly changed my life, for the better! Last night I started thinking about how un-chill I’ve been my entire political career, and I decided I no longer want to impose my religious and morality beliefs on other people harmlessly and privately living their lives! And, besides no longer being racist, I’m no longer homophobic, transphobic, Christian exclusionist, or even conservative either!”
Sessions said he would be drafting a department-wide memo instructing all federal prosecutors to forget about the aggressive, zero-tolerance prosecution recommendations he had previously written.
“This weekend was the first time I had ever done a drug, and it didn’t kill me like I always thought it would!” said Sessions. “So I’d like to say ‘I’m sorry’ to all the people of color negatively affected by the criminalization of weed throughout the history of the Department of Justice. I never knew white people like my own son did drugs too. And it made me realize something I had just plainly never thought of before… drugs are awesome!”
Sessions then pulled a bong out from behind the podium, lit the bowl, took a giant inhale, and blew it all over the faces of reporters in the front row of the conference room.
“Hehehehe,” Sessions giggled. “Have you all ever noticed I look exactly like the Keebler Elf?”
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