Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos has proposed a new controversial policy to allow schools to expel every student whose family doesn’t own at least one yacht.
When pressed for a comment on the instant outrage the proposed policy created, Ms. DeVos illuminated her thinking.
“Look, studies show rich kids perform far better on the nation’s standardized tests when smelly, poor kids from impoverished families aren’t in the same room, or even in the same school,” explained DeVos. “The stench of children who don’t own any Versace clothing really carries, especially in the late spring and early fall when it’s hot and there just isn’t much wind. We wanted to merely expel all the Asians, blacks and the Mexicans to make schools just for the white kids, but that got struck down because apparently that’s segregation, which is apparently a problem. So our next plan of attack was to make the cutoff at Land Rovers, as in kids could only come to school if their parents owned at least one luxury car. However, we ran the numbers, and even with that high bar we found out that a Land Rover policy would still let in far too many undesirable children. Hence the yacht designation. Although, don’t get too settled on this, because my department is more than willing to make the policy even stricter if President Trump wants to take more money out of the Department of Education budget for his wall. We could change it to only allow students whose parents own yachts that have smaller yachts inside of those yachts. Wouldn’t that just be perfect? It’s not that I hate children from poor families, it’s just that I don’t want to be reminded that there are people who exist who don’t have different mansions for each season of the year. That’s not what I believe America is about, or what Jesus would want. It’s such a downer, and, again, it’s just so distracting for the rich children.”