Vice President Mike Pence has reportedly locked himself in his D.C. office’s closet in an attempt to better focus while scouring the pages of the Bible for some reference to child detention.
White House insiders have revealed to The Halfway Post that the Vice President is feeling guilty about the Trump Administration’s draconian child separation policies, and is searching for some kind of Biblical technicality in order to absolve himself for what he is very certain is some heavy sinning.
“Pence is all worked up about these kids dying in US detention centers at the border,” explained an unnamed White House aide who requested anonymity to discuss internal matters. “Mike locked himself in his coat closet and even his children can’t coax him out. At this point, he has been in there for about seven hours, and, since he didn’t bring in any food with him, he has committed himself to fasting until he finds the passage as well.”
The Halfway Post made a call to the Vice President’s office, and, surprisingly, Mr. Pence accepted our call.
“The reports you’ve heard are true,” explained Pence. “I’m trying real hard to find some sort of justification for these policies. I’m starting with the New Testament, because I would be extremely relieved to find that Jesus Himself is okay with zero tolerance immigration policy, and, of course, because the Old Testament has so many references to sexual intercourse. Definitely saving that one for last. Mother doesn’t approve of me reading it alone by myself, if you can imagine why. And besides, I made the American people an oath when I was elected VP that I would never read anything sex-related in my official office. I mean, right off the bat in Genesis, Abraham has sex with his wife Sarah (who he says in one passage is his sister, which is its own whole weird thing) but she can’t conceive so then God lets him have sex with Hagar and she has kids for him, but then eventually when Sarah is 90 years old Abraham bangs her again and then she has a kid finally, oh…here I go getting myself aroused! Bad Michael! Bad, bad bad! Anyway, unfortunately, I’m not finding much from Jesus about refugee children dying in concentration camps. I’m not terribly worried, though, cause I still have the Old Testament if I need it. You can find almost anything in the Jewish books, let me tell you. There’s one scene where this old, bald man gets made fun of by some kids for being bald and he calls a curse on them and God murders the children. So I guess if Donald Trump wanted to kill some of the comedians who mock his hair, I suppose God would be all for it? I don’t know, I’ll ask my Bible study instructor at our next meeting. There’s also several parts where God condones and even participates in killing all the children in various cities and kingdoms, so, like I said, you can excuse any sort of behavior you want with some random passage from the Bible…even genocide! Well, gotta get back to reading the Good Word! And remember, every word in the Bible is exactly the way God wanted it, because God wrote it. Even though it was written in Aramaic and Hebrew, and then translated into Greek, and then translated into German, English, or whatever languages people read it in today, it’s still totally God’s words. Even the child murder parts! Blessed be our Father!”
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