Mike Pence Claims Donald Trump Is The Most Chaste President We’ve Ever Had

Washington D.C.

Vice President Mike Pence raised eyebrows this morning during a press conference with a seemingly false claim regarding President Trump’s history of sex-related controversies.

A reporter from The Halfway Post asked Mr. Pence if he had ever talked to Trump about the Stormy Daniels scandal, which involved crimes for which former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen is now serving prison time, and for which Trump was a co-conspirator. Pence said he had not, and then claimed the following:

“I don’t believe a word that streetlight hussy Stormy Daniels ever said about this great president I’ve had the pleasure and privilege of serving these last years because Donald Trump personally told me none of those rumors were true. Not only is President Trump the most honest and truthful chief executive this country has ever had, he is the most chaste, Godly president as well. He told me as much, and there is no way I would believe for a second that a man like Trump, who has given his word to me multiple times that he has memorized the entire Bible word for word—both forwards and backwards—would lie about this Stormy Daniels fake news. Trump has told me numerous time he’s only had sex four times, only for the strict purpose of reproduction. Now, I know what you’re saying, because I myself had the same question. I, too, was skeptical because the President has five children, but he has assured me that Ivanka’s conception was an immaculate one, conceived by God himself. He said that’s why it’s okay and not weird when he calls Ivanka a 10 or a hot piece of ass. He says when he wants to make love to Ivanka, it’s just a metaphor for how much he loves his lord and savior Jesus Christ.”

The press corps stood in silence for a moment. Somewhere, someone coughed.

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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