President Donald Trump has reportedly given up his beloved daily ritual of drinking 12 cans of Diet Coke because of a fear that his carbonated beverages are haunted with the ghost of John McCain.
“President Trump is just so fixated on John McCain,” explained a senior White House aide, who would only comment to The Halfway Post anonymously. “McCain’s various criticisms, and of course the famous Obamacare ‘no’ vote on the repeal effort have gotten under Trump’s skin and stayed there. Since McCain’s funeral, Trump has told me he has been seeing images of McCain’s face everywhere, in his soda, his toast, his double bowls of ice cream, the hair spray that’s liberally sprayed onto his head each morning, and even, most disturbingly, in Ivanka’s blouses. The President told me yesterday that he used to cherish stealing glances at the space between the buttons of his daughter’s shirts for glimpses of her bra, but now he reports just seeing John McCain’s angry, furrowed eyes. I swear he even called Ivanka ‘Ijohnka’ this morning.”
“I’ve never seen the President more spooked,” exclaimed another senior White House aide, who also requested anonymity to candidly discuss the President’s private fears. “Throughout his Presidency, nothing has calmed him down from his chronic temper tantrums like a can of lukewarm Diet Coke, but, now, just the sight of a silver aluminum can turns his face pale and he says he feels clammy and weak. It’s honestly a national security risk because our staff hasn’t found anything new to calm him down when he’s in a rage. We used to be able to play him Stormy Daniels’ pornography tapes, but that stopped working after all the lawsuits. Then we could talk him out of rageful, illegal uses of presidential power by showing him portraits of his daughter Ivanka, but that lost its calming power when he thought the stresses of her nepotistical job at the White House had caused her to gain a couple too many pounds and he said she was no longer a 10, but we always had Diet Coke. We’d pop the tab and he’d light up like a little kid getting a birthday present, but now it terrifies him. He says that when he hears the soda fizzing all he hears is John McCain whispering ‘Russia.’ He literally told me the other day he wanted to nuke the cemetery John McCain is buried at, but of course we explained that he can’t do that for a plethora of legal and moral reasons.”