The Halfway Post caught up with a local chapter group of neo-Nazis yesterday in a Skype conversation, and they claim sunburns are the sign of God’s chosen people.
“White Americans are the top of the global racial pyramid,” said Jim Van Dijk, titularly known as the “Golden Eagle,” which is the nazi fan club’s highest internal rank. “The Nazis were on to something. White people don’t need brown crayons coming in to the box of white crayons and melting the colors together, if you understand crayon metaphors. Immigrants will end American freedom, and it’s our job as patriotic Americans to put their children into cages at the border if that’s what it takes to make sure America continues being the freest country on Earth… for whites. Cause, come on, if white people were meant to mix genetically with brown people, why would we burn so bad when we’re out in the sun for too long? Our skin is literally designed to resist brown coloring. We’re like allergic to the sun because our DNA wants to remain pure. Getting a sunburn is like being in epidermic prayer to God because we’re his chosen people. I love getting sunburned!”
The Halfway Post reporter reminded Van Dijk that he was obviously descended from the Dutch, and therefore a descendant of immigrants who came to this melting pot country for opportunity, just like every other immigrant ever, no matter what color of skin.
“But my ancestors don’t count as bad immigrants, because they came before the cutoff point,” Van Dijk explained. “Immigration was fine until about the 1930s. Everyone counts who came over before then. Except the Asians who built the railroads. That doesn’t count. And the Jews. Catholics made the cut, but just barely. And everyone who came from anywhere south of Texas they’re out. Only white people from Europe count. Well, maybe not all Europeans. Do Poles count? Definitely not the Ashkenazi. What about Italians? They tan pretty easily. America needs to keep its people’s skin pale. I don’t want to have to see a tan person and wonder if I’m about to be terrorist attacked, you know? So maybe we should limit immigration to Ireland, Germany for sure, the English, obviously. Of course the Swedes. Anyone above Germany is chill. Preferably Protestant. Yeah, Catholics are out. Eastern Orthodox are cool, too. Actually, I don’t know much about Eastern Orthodox. Greeks are cool though. Yeah, Greeks can come in—they kind of started the whole Western World thing, so they’re okay. But they have to stay out of the sun cause they tan pretty easily, too. If they stay pale, they can stay in America. Russia…I’m not sure about Russians. They’re white, but I don’t really know what the whole Slavic thing is about. Like, are they fake white, or are they real white? Tell you what, Russia is on racial probation. This is important stuff, you know… super important stuff. If America can get like 99% white, we’ll truly be made great again. Then America would be the tippy top of the racial pyramid. It’s about time America becomes its own race, right? We deserve it. Like, I want to be able to just look at a person and tell if they’re American or not by seeing how fast their skin burns, you know what I mean?”
Asked what scientific metrics backed up any of this, Mr. Van Dijk claimed the Bible did.
“The Bible is totally clear that white people are the chosen people. It’s 100% in both the Old and New Testaments. Like they were Middle Eastern people in deserts and stuff, so, like Moses, Jesus, Paul and everyone may have historically and physically been brown people, but it was implied that they were referencing the future United States of America. They were just waiting for the promised land to be discovered and taken from the Native Americans. Like, if America wasn’t the chosen country, why would we have the best military? And don’t forget that white America defeated white Germany, and of course then white Russia in the Cold War, so white America is truly the master race. Why do you think Americans always get so sunburned when they go on vacation? I’d like to see all the libtard cucks explain that one!”
Our Halfway Post reporter stared at Mr. Van Dijk on the screen and awkwardly hung up the Skype call.