The Halfway Post caught up with a local group of neo-Nazis yesterday in a Skype conversation, and they claimed sunburns are the unmistakable sign of God’s chosen people.
“White Americans are the top of the global racial pyramid,” said Jim Van Dijk, titularly known as the “Golden Eagle,” which is the Nazi fan club’s highest internal rank. “White people don’t need brown crayons coming in to the box of white crayons and melting the colors together, if you understand crayon metaphors. Immigrants will end our freedom, and it’s our job as patriotic Americans to put their children into cages at the border if that’s what it takes to make sure America continues being the freest country on Earth with the most universal rights… for whites. Cause, come on, if white people were meant to mix genetically with brown people, why would we burn so bad when we’re out in the sun in their countries? Check mate, libtards! We’re literally allergic to their latitude. It’s like our skin is naturally designed to resist brown coloring ever since modern humans left Africa and boned a bunch of neanderthals to get out all the black DNA with their caveman sperm. Neanderthals were genetic heroes if you ask me. Man, if I could just see some neanderthal ejaculate. I wonder what it would feel like in my fingers. I bet their balls were so big. But I digress. White people are pretty much allergic to the sun because our chromosomes want to remain pure. And we can’t stay pure with all the immigrants coming in and taking our breeding women. Mixed babies don’t get sunburns as easily as I do, so you can tell they’re not pure. I like to think that when white people get a sunburn it’s like being in epidermic prayer to God because we’re His chosen people. I never use sunblock because God would never let a white person get skin cancer.”
The Halfway Post reporter reminded Van Dijk that his name indicated an obvious descent from Holland, and, therefore, he too was a descendant of immigrants who came to this melting pot country for opportunity, just like every other immigrant ever no matter what color of skin.
“But my ancestors don’t count as bad immigrants because they came before the cutoff point,” Van Dijk explained. “Immigration was fine until about the 1930s. Everyone counts who came over before then. Except the Asians who built the railroads. They don’t count. Nor the Jews. Catholics from Southern Europe made the cut, but just barely. And everyone who came from anywhere south of Texas, they’re out. No one who would need a brown crayon to accurately color their skin in a picture counts. America is for white crayon people from Europe. Well, maybe not all Europeans. America needs to keep its people’s skin pale. I don’t want to have to see someone who tans easily and wonder if I’m about to be terrorist attacked, you know? So maybe we should limit immigration to the more northern side of Europe. Iceland, Ireland, Denmark, and Germany for sure. The British, obviously. Of course the Swedes and Finns. French? Ehh, they’re socialist, so not the French. Well, the Vichy were cool. They understood Nazism. The Dutch and Belgians are chill for sure, so I’m 100% safe. I guess immigrants should preferably be Protestant. Eastern Orthodox are cool, though, because of the Greeks. They kind of started the whole Western World thing, so they’re okay. But they have to stay out of the sun cause they tan easy, too. If they stay pale, they can stay. Russia and Poland… I’m not sure about them. They’re white, but I don’t really know what the whole Slavic thing is about. Like, are they inferior? What are Slavs? Did drops of Jewish or Gypsy blood get in here and there? Is anyone sure if Russian bloodlines are pure? Like, are they fake white, or are they real white? Tell you what, Russia is on racial probation. I’m serious, this is important stuff. If America can get over, like, 97% white, we’ll truly be great again. Everyone will have a job, and I’ll have so many breeding females to worship my pearly white, cherubic children. No more hot girls having black boyfriends, or this interracial marriage bullshit. Hot white girls should have to date and marry me. And do the dishes and cook and stuff. Yeah, feminists shouldn’t be allowed in America either. They’re just as bad as the terrorists, so I have no idea how they still have white skin. They don’t belong in the ideal, white America. Only submissive women. Women who will obediently multiply the American race. It’s about time ‘American’ became its own race, don’t you think? We deserve it. And I swear none of this is racist.”
Asked what scientific metrics backed up this hierarchy, Van Dijk claimed the Bible did.
“The Bible is very clear that white people are the chosen people in the Old Testament. The Jews may have thought the Torah was about them, but it was always implied that the Bible was referencing the future United States of America. God was always murdering whole towns and city-states, and who does that now? America, that’s who. That’s why we’ve had the best military for so long. God blesses us. Throughout history, the whiter humans have gotten, the better their militaries got. And don’t forget that white America defeated white Germany, and then we did it again against white Russia in the Cold War, so we’re like the most victorious, whitest of the whites. And, of course, Iraq 1 had no chance. They live in the desert. That is like the most unwhite thing any race could do. Vietnam and Iraq 2 don’t count because the libtards ruined those for us. If we’d have only fought on for another decade in each we totally would have won. And Afghanistan may yet still be a tie.”
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!
(Picture courtesy of Phil Kates.)
Too funny for words. Love your tongue in cheek commentary!