In a stunning press conference this morning, President Donald Trump did the most un-Trumpian thing he has ever done in his life: admitted that he is “painfully aware” running for president was “the worst decision of my life.”
In the Rose Garden conference, Mr. Trump’s comments produced audible gasps from the White House correspondents reporting on his surprisingly lucid monologue.
“Thanks for coming everybody,” Trump began at 9:30am Eastern time. “First off, and this is long overdue, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. The ‘Fake News’ stuff has really gotten out of hand, and I’m sorry for any potential danger my words and tweets may have put you all in. My supporters are some tough people, let me tell you. But I also want to apologize for being president. I had a crazy dream last night in which a series of three ghosts appeared before me and showed me glimpses of what America would be like if I had never been born, and, I gotta say, things were way better in that world. Look, everyone, I am finally able to admit what a terrible president I have been. I’m sorry for all the racist stuff I’ve been saying and doing. During the campaign, Roger Stone got me to say all that stuff about the wall, and I really got carried away with it. I don’t hate Muslims, so I don’t know why I did the whole Muslim ban. And the child detention centers, oh my God, I am so sorry. I knew it was wrong when I was doing all these things, but, to be honest, they were acts of selfishness and laziness. My adviser, Stephen Miller, is a real freak, and he always writes these long, horrible, Hitler-esque policies against hispanics that he sends to my office, and when I’m reading over them it’s just so obvious that he has masturbated all over them and that he gets off to racist, draconian federal abuse of minority groups. Most of the time the pages were stuck together, so I just stopped trying to read them, and signed them with a glove real quick just to get it off desk. I understand that was wrong, and I take full responsibility for all the negative consequences that came from my administration’s policies.”
The press corps were stunned.
“And beyond the domestic stuff, it’s so obvious I’m in way over my head with all the foreign policy stuff, isn’t it? I’ve done a lot of soul searching, and I’ve recently come to terms with my crippling social anxiety that manifests itself into an excessively brutish narcissism that has conquered my soul and personality since childhood and makes me lash out at all the people around me who just want our country to succeed. You know, I’m finally being honest for the first time in my life when I say that every day I am ashamed of who I am, though I am even more ashamed that for so long I could not come to terms with my horribly destructive behavior. The sexual assaults, the racism, the cheating, the stealing, all of it. My dad was a total jerk to me when I was a kid, and I’ve always tried to make up for it by being a son-of-a-bitch myself. And boy, did I take it out on Don Jr. and Eric. The nastiest things I’ve said in public pale in comparison to the things I’ve said to them in private. Sorry, boys. I’ve always loved you, but the only way I ever learned to show it was with ceaseless, sociopathic criticism. Donald Jr., I’m sorry I said so many times in front of the Trump Organization board that you’re the dumbest person on the planet. I am. In fact, I’m sorry to everyone I’ve ever made fun of, hit, or verbally attacked. I am the smallest of small men. I have always tried to project a big man persona, but you can tell it’s not really me the way I get so paranoid and nervous when I’m on the world stage next to actually confident international leaders. People like Putin, and Kim Jong-un, and Duterte. I want to make great deals for America, I really do, but when I’m doing negotiations I feel so sick that I want to throw up, and I just give away every card America has for leverage without any concessions. I’m not a great dealmaker. I’m terrible at negotiation. My committed followers may not want to believe this, but trust me. Why do you think I went bankrupt so many times? I never negotiate anything. I have paid too much on virtually every deal I’ve ever made. It’s why I stopped trying to build things and I just lease my name. But I’ve ruined even my name now. The Trump name is now a brand of gaudy, cheap scams. My whole political career has been a hoax, and my presidency an insult to everything public service in a democracy demands. Look, I’m not the right guy for this job. I’m really not. It should have been Hillary. Hillary had all these detailed plans, and strategies, and she was experienced, and knows how the government works, and put in the time learning every facet of governance from being a hardworking First Lady, to senator, to Secretary of State. Hillary, if you’re watching, I’m sorry. I do not deserve your forgiveness. Me winning over you was the single greatest mistake America has ever made, and my presidency personifies every reason why the Electoral College should no longer exist, and why Congress should pass a hundred laws further regulating presidential conduct. Also, effective immediately, I am releasing my full tax returns. It’s about time America learns the truth that Russia made me run for president and has been blackmailing me for years. There have been so many pee tapes made. The Russians, they put cameras literally everywhere, and the pee tapes are the least of my tape-related worries. I can never forgive myself, and I fully expect to go down in history as the worst president ever, though I 100% agree that I fully deserve it. I am sorry everyone.”
The President then broke down into tears, while the stunned press corps watched.
UPDATE: After twenty minutes, Mr. Trump is still behind the podium crying.
UPDATE: After 55 minutes, the President is still crying.
A further update will be published when the President goes back inside the White House.