Donald Trump Admits He’s Never Read A Single Book Cover To Cover

Washington D.C.

In a bizarre press conference today, President Donald Trump unloaded various insults on Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg, reading books, and accurate spelling.

The following is Mr. Trump’s most inflammatory rant in response to a question asking what he thought about the prospect of facing off against Mr. Buttigieg in the general election.

“Mayor Pete, I like Mayor Pete, I think he’s a nice guy. He can speak a lot of languages, but that’s not what we want, is it? We like English in America. He can keep his Norwegian, and his Spanish, and whatever they speak in France, and his Pig Latin. I’ll keep with the good ol’ American English. Can’t beat it. Not even the British do it like we do it. We do it the best. Mayor Pete likes to read a lot. I’ve been hearing a lot about how much he reads, haven’t you? I love reading, too. Went to Wharton, was one of the best in my class. I did a lot of reading in Wharton. About business. But I didn’t get so good at making deals by reading a lot of books, I can tell you that. To tell you the truth, even in college I knew more than any of the books could ever teach me. You have to be born with it, and I was born with one of the great intellects of all time. No book can teach you how to be a genius. In fact, I’ve never even finished a book. Never needed to. I always know the end way before I get even halfway through. I’m a great reader, one of the best readers, and that’s why I don’t have to read much. Almost ever. I don’t think I’ve even opened a book in two decades. But I’ve written quite a few. I’ve actually written more books than I’ve read. How many people can say that? Some best sellers, too. Almost got a Pulitzer. Should have gotten a Pulitzer, but that whole process is rigged. A lot of people don’t know this, but it’s a joke. I’ve heard from so many people that “The Art of the Deal” should have gotten a Pulitzer, a Nobel, all of it. Top seller. Sold millions of copies. But you know how it goes. Just like how everyone says I can’t spell. I can spell. I’m one of the great spellers. Covfefe was just a code. Just a code, everyone. Only a few people know what it means, but they got the message, I promise you that. It was a great message. They told me it was the greatest message the ever heard. Unbreakable code. No one can break my Twitter codes. Not even book lover Mayor Pete. It’s not in Pig Latin, so he can’t read that one, can he? Did I mention he’s gay? You know, the Evangelicals, they don’t like the gay stuff. They’re, like, way against it. Cause of the Bible. Great book, the Bible, isn’t it? You know, a lot of people don’t know this, but the Bible is actually two books, not just one. They have an Old Testament and a New Testament. But in each testament are a lot of smaller books. Great books. Some of the best books of all time, really. I love them. Read them all the time. In fact, my favorite is… did I mention Mayor Pete is gay?”

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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