Trump Is So Busy He Only Eats 1 Ice Cream Scoop During Lunch

Washington D.C.—

The following is a transcript of a statement White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany delivered today about President Donald Trump’s work ethic:

“President Donald Trump works harder than every other president in US history combined. The Fake News reports that he doesn’t like to read briefings or national security reports, but that is total BS. Not only does the President read all of these, he memorizes them. And can even recite them backwards. In fact, when the Fake News was calling his famous ‘Covfefe’ tweet a gaffe, they were only showing how stupid they are for not being able to crack the code. The word ‘Covfefe’ is actually a backwords acronym for ‘Everyone Frankly Endangers Family Values Overlooking Coronavirus.’ That’s right, back in May of 2017, President Donald J. Trump was so brilliant that he saw the COVID crisis coming, and tried to warn America. But the Fake News media was too stupid to understand the obvious message, and was too busy pretending the President is dumb to realize they themselves are the idiots. That’s why the US becoming a staggering outlier in terms of coronavirus cases and deaths is 100% the liberal media’s fault, and not the President’s fault!”

Ms. McEnany briefly interrupted her rant to chug a Red Bull energy drink, and then chug a second.

“In fact, President Trump barely even sleeps because he’s so committed to stopping the spread of the pandemic and find new cures only his genius brain is capable of thinking up,” McEnany continued. “He often skips lunch, and when he actually does eat lunch, he only orders one scoop of ice cream for his customary after-meal bowl. The President is much too busy working to make America great again to waste his time with a full two scoops, so he sacrifices the second scoop for the American people. Halving his favorite dessert. Wow! That is true presidential leadership! Now, no questions will be permitted from the press. You all are worms not worthy of eating the defecations of our Supreme Leader President Donald J. Trump. You all are clearly incapable of understanding his brilliant responses to your evil and deranged questions, and you just twist his words to make him look like an idiot by replaying unedited video footage of him talking. That kind of disgraceful journalism will not be tolerated by the Supreme Leader.”

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