Republicans Are Relieved Tens Of Thousands Of Guns Aren’t Dying, Just People

Washington D.C.—

The coronavirus health crisis has dominated US media for several months now, and Americans are furious that the Trump Administration has allowed the US to become the extreme global outlier in terms of number of cases of and deaths due to COVID19.

However, the Republican Party sees a very heartening silver lining to this crisis.

“Thank God the guns are okay,” said Republican Josh Walley of Missouri. “It’s tragic enough that tens of thousands of people have died, but I’m just so relieved that guns appear to be entirely immune to this novel strain of coronavirus. It’s literally the saddest thing in the world to imagine 50,000-plus guns lying alone in hospital beds, never to be taken out and shot ever again.”

Other Republicans were thankful God has spared guns from the various health problems of humans.

“The surest sign that God deems guns holy is that guns don’t get coronavirus, or cancer, or diabetes, or syphilis,” said RNC staffer Walter Goonck of North Carolina. “I’ve gotten all of the above at various times in my life, but my gun, praise Jesus, has never gotten any from me. That’s all the reason I need to block every governmental healthcare plan the Democrats bring up so that we can better focus on what God wants: creating more guns and getting them into the hands of American patriots! I’m pro-life on both abortion and the Second Amendment!”

Other Republicans were a little more odd.

“I’ve made sure to stock up on hand-sanitizer and every disinfectant product available at the Dollar Store,” said Ralph Pieg of Idaho. “I want my guns to be as germ-free as possible. I heard that humans can’t transmit the COVID to firearms, but I’m not taking any chances with mine. I’m very sexually active with my guns, and it’s my duty to my orgy mates to keep me and my guns all clean!”

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