NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre Accidentally Shot Himself While Juggling Loaded Guns To Prove They’re Safe

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

Dallas, TX— a wild incident of karma, the National Rifle Association leader Wayne LaPierre accidentally shot himself in the foot onstage while sarcastically making fun of liberals for their desire to institute background checks for gun buyers at a Dallas gun convention in which LaPierre was the keynote speaker.

“Libtards think guns are so unsafe, but that’s because they’re pansies!” LaPierre said, spinning a rifle in the air to both showcase his color guard talents and prove that guns aren’t at all dangerous.

An assistant then brought out several pistols that LaPierre showed the audience before loading them and dramatically turning off their safeties with a pirouette and a leg kick high above his head. He then started balancing the loaded pistols in a tower off of his chin, and he managed to stack three. Then his assistant brought out a basketball hoop and LaPierre began to throw them like basketballs into the hoop.

“Totally safe!” he shouted after sinking an impressive downtown three-pointer. “Nothing but net!”

Then LaPierre started juggling the three pistols in the air, as his assistant gradually handed him more. After a minute he was juggling six.

“See?” he asked the audience rhetorically. “Let’s see some libtard try to tell me now that guns are a safety hazard!”

Immediately after finishing that sentence, however, he fumbled one of the pistols and it discharged a bullet right into his foot. LaPierre crumpled to the floor and started screaming that no one should blame the gun.

“It’s not the gun’s fault, don’t take the gun away! It’s so young and has so much to live for! Take me instead! Take me! Tell the pistol I’m sorry! I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I’m so sorry! Tell the pistol I’ve always loved it, and I’ll never forget the good times we had this summer! He will always live on in my heart! This hurts so much! The libtards were right!”

Audience members were disappointed they would not get to see LaPierre’s finale trick of deep-throating a rifle, which was always the crowd favorite.

More from The Halfway Post vault:

Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s