NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre Accidentally Shot Himself While Juggling Loaded Guns To Prove They’re Safe


Austin, TX—

In a wild incident of karma, National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre accidentally shot himself in the foot onstage while sarcastically making fun of liberals for their desire to institute background checks for gun owners at an Austin gun convention in which LaPierre was the keynote speaker.

“Libtards think guns are so unsafe, but that’s because they’re pansies!” LaPierre said, while spinning a rifle in the air to both showcase his color guard talents and prove that guns are totally safe.

An assistant then brought out several pistols that LaPierre showed the audience before loading them and dramatically turning off their safeties with a pirouette and a leg kick high above his head. He then started balancing the loaded pistols in a tower off of his chin, and he managed to stack three.

Then his assistant brought out a basketball hoop and LaPierre began to throw them like basketballs into the hoop.

“Totally safe!” he shouted after sinking a downtown three-pointer. “Nothing but net!”

Then LaPierre started juggling the three pistols in the air, as his assistant gradually handed him more. After a minute he was juggling six.

“See?” he asked the audience rhetorically. “Let’s see some libtard try to tell me now that guns are dangerous!”

Immediately after finishing that sentence, however, he dropped one of the pistols, and it hit the ground and discharged a bullet right into his foot. LaPierre crumpled to the ground and started screaming that no one should blame the gun.

“It’s not the gun’s fault, don’t take the gun away! It’s so young and has so much to live for! Take me instead! Take me! Tell the pistol I’m sorry! I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I’m so sorry! Tell the pistol I’ve always loved it, and I’ll never forget the good times we had this summer! He will always live on in my heart! This hurts so much! The libtards were right!”

The audience was saddened it would not get to see LaPierre’s next trick of deep-throating a rifle, which was always the crowd favorite.

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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