St. Louis, MO—
The National Rifle Association has garnered much controversy in recent months due to increasing mass shootings, but NRA lobbying still seeks to preserve unfettered gun rights in Congress, an effort that has grown increasingly paranoid throughout the tenure of NRA chief Wayne LaPierre.
However, despite its gun sympathies, the NRA did see fit to postpone the production of a brand new NRA-themed line of AR-15s designed to be a sort of “training wheels” semi-assault weapon for children.
“It’s just not the right time to unveil our new children’s section of gun retail,” an NRA spokeswoman told The Halfway Post in a brief interview regarding the NRA’s promotional future. “The political winds are shifting, and it appears that liberals are brainwashing America into believing toddlers should never be able to own and touch an AR-15. Lame. The Left wants the government to get in the way of every law-abiding family’s right to train their four-year-olds how to violently repel gangs of marauding criminals and thugs intent on breaking into our homes. And, let’s be honest, if the government turns tyrannical like King George III and the people have to rise up in armed rebellion, are we gonna stop 4-year-olds from joining our militia armies then? We’ll need every AR-15 we can get, no matter how small or colorfully designed with friendly farm animals.”
Critics of the NRA have insisted the idea of building AR-15s for children is ridiculous, as well as an obviously wrong step to take in curbing America’s globally unique gun violence problem.
The NRA, however, doubled down on gun control in general.
“The Second Amendment is airtight,” said the NRA spokeswoman. “The government has no business telling gun owners they can’t buy military grade semi-automatic assault weapons. Schools have no business telling students, teachers, administrators, lunch ladies, and school visitors they can’t all be armed. Mothers and fathers have no business telling their children they shouldn’t have guns, no matter the kids’ ages. Children are citizens, too, aren’t they? The Second Amendment applies to them, too, doesn’t it? More importantly, we believe states have no right to going any further than other states in regulating or restricting gun access. America ought to be governed by the states’ weakest and most imperceptible gun laws, not the states’ strongest and most oppressive ones! We at the NRA believe muskets and other guns were Founding Fathers of this country just as much as the actual Constitution signers were, and that the children of these revolutionary muskets and cannons deserve unfettered Second Amendment rights just like any other real, actual person. They say that guns don’t kill people because people kill people, but guns are people, too, you know? My gun is literally my best friend. We go for walks around the neighborhood. I like to look at the 1930s architecture of the houses around where I live. And I believe my AR-15 does, too. But because of liberals, I get the cops called on me every time. You know the Left has horribly ruined America when I can’t even walk around my neighborhood carrying a high-velocity weapon and stop at each house to look around for a minute and maybe peak in the windows a bit if their shades aren’t drawn just to see little stilllifes of American families. But apparently that’s ‘alarming,’ or ‘irresponsible,’ or all the other words police tell me my neighbors say about me to the 911 dispatchers. They’re all liberals who can’t handle freedom.”