Lansing, MI—
The local Lansing law enforcement have been busy monitoring the situation outside the Michigan state capitol building as protesters demonstrate their Second Amendment rights in response to the state-wide quarantine order signed by Governor Gretchen Whitmer.
Dozens of quarantine protesters arrive every morning and parade with semi-automatic, high-velocity assault rifles, sniper rifles, and bullet proof vests. The police, however, are not threatened by such displays of potential violent carnage, and are just relieved none of the protesters waving their military-grade rifles in the air also have black skin.
“I’m very impressed with these protesters’ sense of responsibility,” said local Police Sergeant Paul Weims. “They’ve collectively brought all kinds of high-velocity weapons with probably thousands of ammo clips between them, and I even saw a few grenades, but they’ve left the real dangerous stuff at home. I commend these protesters’ choices to not bring their black friends, or any black or mixed kids or step-kids they may have. If they were going to be so reckless as to bring some black teens, things might get very dangerous around here. There’s enough firepower and ammunition in the area to declare war against the entire city, so if someone had brought a black teenager with a bag of skittles on top of all that, or an overweight black fella selling cigarettes… well, I don’t even want to think about that powder keg!”
Other police officers echoed that sentiment.
“Sure, these protesters have all kinds of guns, but they’re 100% visible,” explained Officer Daniel Loopal. “These protesters are waving their rifles around, aiming them at police officers’ faces, screaming and spitting on them, and threatening to kill all kinds of conspiratorial villains from space lizards disguised as their state government representatives to Governor Whitmer they call all kinds of nasty, sexist words. But the point is, when these protesters are walking around armed to their teeth, we know what we’re dealing with. But thank God there’s no black pre-teen walking around the state capitol with an oversized hoodie on and his hands in his pockets. That’d be a huge danger to officer safety. We’d have no choice but to engage violently because we’d have no idea what could be in his hands or pockets. What if he had a gun?”
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