President Donald Trump has been reacting childishly to recent news that his poll numbers ahead of Election 2020 are dropping considerably due to his administration’s objectively poor response to the coronavirus pandemic’s spread throughout the United States.
Looking for a way to improve those poll numbers, Mr. Trump has reportedly referenced several times to his staff and cabinet the global attention paid to North Korea’s Kim Jong Un during his recent coma scare.
“President Trump was highly impressed with Kim’s ‘big, beautiful’ bump in approval ratings,” explained a White House staffer, who requested anonymity to discuss internal deliberations. “The whole question of whether or not Kim was dead or in a vegetative coma really got the world’s attention, and Trump is wondering if a similar stunt could help his poll numbers as well. He thought maybe he actually should inject himself with bleach, and create a will-he-die-won’t-he-die television event. He thinks the ratings would be through the roof.”
Trump reportedly was originally very worried about Kim.
“Trump was seriously heart-broken when he first heard Kim might be in trouble,” said a second Trump staffer. “Don’t forget, they’re very much in love. They write beautiful letters to each other weekly, and they sext each other probably daily. It’s endearing, and it really shows a lighter side to Trump the public doesn’t often see. It’s like teenaged puppy love in many ways. They send each other fun little puns with each sext, and caption their nudes with comments about whose nuclear missile is bigger.”
But once Mr. Trump realized the reports about Kim’s health were overblown, he started thinking about a manufactured health scare of his own.
“The idea has really distracted Trump,” continued the second staffer. “He keeps interrupting coronavirus briefings to ask Dr. Fauci what comas are like. He asked the other day if it was true that when you’re in a coma your other senses become super-powered. Then he asked yesterday if it was true that if you die in a coma you die in real life. He’s a little confused about comas it seems. Trump this morning soured a bit on the idea, though, when he realized he’d have to stop tweeting for several days if he was pretending to be in a coma. Then the realization that Pence would have to become president instead of him while he was incapacitated also displeased him. Trump got upset at the idea that the media would turn its attention to Pence’s swearing-in instead of him in a hospital bed. Then Trump said that for his idea to work, Pence would have to be in a coma, too. We reminded him that then Pelosi would become president, and he flew into a momentary rage before Ivanka came rushing in with a big bowl of ice cream. That settled the President down, and he asked all the medical professionals if they thought his polls would go up out of sympathy if he told the media he had cancer or diabetes or something ‘easily curable‘ like that.”
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