Washington D.C.—
President Donald Trump has been reacting poorly to recent news that his poll numbers ahead of Election 2020 are dropping considerably due to his administration’s objectively bad response to the coronavirus.
Looking for a way to improve those poll numbers, Mr. Trump has reportedly referenced several times to his staff and cabinet the global attention paid to North Korea’s Kim Jong Un during his recent coma scare.
“Trump was seriously heart-broken when he first heard Kim might be in trouble,” said an anonymous source in the White House. “Don’t forget, they’re very much in love. They write beautiful letters to each other weekly, and they sext each other probably daily. It’s endearing, and it really shows a lighter side to Trump the public doesn’t often get to see. It’s like teenaged puppy love in many ways. They send each other fun little puns with each sext, and caption their nudes with comments about whose nuclear missile is bigger.”
But as soon as Mr. Trump was relieved to learn the reports on Kim’s health were overblown, he started thinking about a manufactured health scare of his own.
“President Trump was highly impressed with Kim’s ‘big, beautiful’ bump in approval ratings,” explained a second White House staffer. “The whole question of whether or not Kim was dead or in a vegetative coma really got the world’s attention. Trump is wondering if a similar stunt could help his poll numbers. He thought maybe he actually should inject himself with Lysol, and create a will-he-die-won’t-he-die television event. He said the ratings would be through the roof. And he keeps interrupting COVID briefings to ask Dr. Fauci what comas are like. He asked the other day if it was true that when you’re in a coma your other senses become super-powered. This morning he asked, if you die in a coma, would you die in real life? He soured a bit on the idea, though, when he realized he’d have to stop tweeting for several days if he was pretending to be in a coma. Then the realization that Mike Pence would have to become president while he was incapacitated also displeased him because the media would turn its attention to Pence’s swearing-in instead of him lying in a hospital bed. Trump announced that for his idea to work, Pence would have to be in a coma, too. We reminded him that then Pelosi would become president, and he flew into a momentary rage before asking the medical professionals if they thought his polls would go up out of sympathy if he told the media he had cancer or diabetes, or something ‘easily curable’ like that.”
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