Police in an Alabama town shot and killed a black man this afternoon who was quietly reading a book in a public park.
A Black Lives Matter protest has been organized for tomorrow in front of the town’s police department, which the entire town accuses of racism and brutality.
“The thug was reading his book in the park very menacingly,” explained Police Chief Ralph Meegan in a press conference a few hours after the incident. “And his book happened to be a biography of Colin Kaepernick so we can obviously infer that the thug hated our brave troops fighting abroad and loathed America and all of our freedoms. The thug also had a substantial afro hairstyle, so it is my opinion that the officer was warranted in thinking the victim probably belonged to a gang, and was therefore an immediate threat. We don’t have any gangs in our fair city, and we police officers try to keep it that way! Therefore the officer was also perfectly warranted according to our protocol guidelines in sneaking up behind the thug on the park bench and firing his weapon several times with no warning into the thug’s back. The officer promised me that he truly felt his life was in imminent danger, and I believe him. Upon inspection of the thug’s body we noticed a comb in his pocket, which, of course, besides being used to comb his nappy hair can also be used as a weapon with many potentially sharp prongs. So I am thankful our brave, totally not racist officer was not harmed today, and was able to protect his own life in the face of such terrifyingly suspicious book reading. We also ran through the police database, and we found a case from a couple counties over with a description that vaguely matches the guy, so it turns out actually that our officer was totally retroactively warranted to suspect this thug of being a criminal in the first place. So this incident of deadly force is just an unfortunate misunderstanding. Besides, let’s be honest, a black male between the ages of 18 and 65 ought to know not to go outside in public places. That demographic matches literally hundreds of police profiles around the country! I would also like to report that we did an extensive background check on the thug, and we found that the book the thug was reading was, in fact, overdue by a day, which means that criminal owed the public library an entire nickel. It frightens me still to think about that criminal roaming around our town all day with an overdue library book. I just got the chills again! Who knows what other books that thug might have checked out and not returned in a timely fashion had our officer not intervened. And let’s not forget that the thug was reading a book about that Kaepernick America-hater, so who knows what acts of civil disobedience he was no doubt getting inspired to commit in the future. He was radicalizing against America right there on that bench! In our fair city! This thug was probably going to go from book reading straight to kneeling during our beautiful anthem, and who knows what after that! He hated our American freedoms so much that the responding officer had to take his life before that thug pulled his comb out on some innocent citizen, or kept his overdue library book even longer! I would like to commend the officer in today’s incident for bravery, and I hope that the whole community continues to pray for the police officers who every day risk their lives keeping our park safe from criminals like the one neutralized today.”
The Halfway Post interviewed several local supporters of the police who had attended the chief’s press conference.
“I am a Christian, so I am very saddened to hear about this news,” explained Jen Teach, 61. “But I support our police with my whole heart, so I was relieved to retroactively find out that this young man in the park had an overdue library book so that his death was totally justified. I almost had to regret the police policy where cops escalate every situation until overwhelming force can be exerted with no legal ramifications or even career consequences!”
“I am as pro-life as any Christian in America,” said Heath Mallidragh, 33, “so I’m glad the police officer didn’t commit an abortion today. That would have been just an awful waste of life. Can you imagine a small embryo being terminated before it could even develop into a little tadpole thing?”
“I’m not racist,” said Ray Cistern, 40, “but I made sure to respond to every Facebook post published today by my friends and family who were outraged at the police killing by listing out the facts that the man had a comb and an overdue library book. My libtard friends just don’t have any respect for the law or officer safety!”
“I really hope these Black Lives Matter protesters don’t threaten to destroy any property tonight like some have done in other towns!” exclaimed Dave Epitone. “All these protesters responding to the unnecessary deaths of their loved ones and community members with property damage is so disproportional!”
From The Halfway Post vault:
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!