Police Furious At Firefighters Saying “All Jobs Matter,” Are So Close To Getting The Point

(Picture courtesy of Andrew Magill.)

St. Louis, MO—

Local police are furious that firefighters have started using the hashtag “#RedLivesMatter” to highlight the danger they face in their line of work from fires and feral cats climbing up into trees. The hashtag is intended ironically to prove to police the point of “#BlackLivesMatter.”

“This is ludicrous!” screamed Police Chief Lou Abuchan, an outspoken critic of the Black Lives Matter movement, during a press conference this morning addressing the firefighters’ new hashtag. “No one is saying red lives don’t matter, but the fact is that police are being targeted because they are police officers. Everyone likes firefighters! There aren’t any songs out there called ‘Fuck Tha Fire Department.’ So they need to cut that out! Police are the ones being directly threatened right now, not other jobs. So everyone needs to only be saying ‘Blue Lives Matter,’ or you’re part of the problem refusing to recognize our specifically unique struggles!”

The local fire department then started using the hashtag “All Jobs Matter,” and this also incensed police.

“Are you kidding me?!” screamed Abuchan at a later press conference this afternoon. “All jobs matter? But all jobs aren’t being attacked and vilified right now just on account of the color of their uniforms! The careerist hatred is disproportionately affecting law enforcement! How can you say ‘all jobs matter’ when right now it seems the only job that doesn’t matter is cops? Saying ‘all jobs matter’ is pedantic and unhelpful given the current situation of specific employment-related discrimination disproportionately affecting us more than any other profession!”

“You’re so close to getting the point of Black Lives Matter!” called out Mark Hankson, a local firefighter who attended the press conference and sat in the back of the room.

Chief Abuchan then started screaming and stormed out of the room.

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