Portland, OR—
While many MAGA Trump supporters are reportedly stocking up on unlicensed firearms for teenagers to be driven across state lines by their mothers, Marxists are stockpiling a different classic of American exceptionalism: Campbell’s canned soups.
Organizing themselves into groups with names such as the “Consommé Calvary,” the “Broth Brigade,” and the “Potage Platoon,” Antifa protesters in Portland are eschewing the traditional protest weapons of rocks and Molotov cocktails for canned chowders and bisques to express their dissent.
“Most people think you want a really hearty stew, because of the density,” explained one protestor, who insisted on remaining anonymous for fear of retaliation from Bill Barr’s secret police riding around in unmarked minivans. “The reality is, though, that water is already freaking heavy by itself, so it doesn’t actually matter which of Campbell’s fine soup selections you choose to chuck at some MAGA idiots. In fact, what you’re really looking for is the cheapest soup you can find so you’re not wasting resources buying expensive animal proteins. Plus, I’m a vegan, and don’t believe in violence against animals.”
Some of the protestors are very particular about their choice of soup.
“Quite a few guys are looking for something organic, something that has been responsibly sourced and is environmentally sustainable,” explained Josh Guillion, one of the more vocal organizers of the so-called Stew Crew. “Me, I’m just looking for sheer heft. If I’m trying to bean an AR-15-wielding MAGA incel militiaman with a can of beans, what do I care if they’re vegetarian, cooked in bacon fat, or include brown sugar and cinnamon? And, actually, a lot of protesters have been using this as an opportunity to get rid of their old Goya cans. It’s actually a good tactic since the Trumpers love Goya products now, and, after we clock an incel, he’ll pick the can up and put it in his gas mask bag for later. They’re really weighing themselves down and decreasing their agility. But it’s kind of heartening. These MAGA incels may hate libtards and the Green New Deal, but it’s nice to see them recycling.”
Other protesters were very concerned about the quality of the soup cans they stockpiled.
“I used to get all my soup cans at Trader Joe’s, and made sure they were all healthy,” explained one protestor who requested to be named “Starlord” in our story. “But the cost was killing me to buy such expensive soups, and I had to change grocery stores. I got all these in my bag at one of those Dollar General stores. Their ingredients are absolute garbage. GMO-laden, chemically-processed, and you should see the salt content on them. It’s off the charts! But I did check all the expiration dates to make these soups are safe to eat. Safety first, you know? I’d hate for some of these incels to eat a soup can I threw at his head, and then get sick from the soup being spoiled!”
The Halfway Post reached out to Campbell’s for a comment.
“While we don’t condone violence of any kind, we are happy that people are recognizing the many benefits that our soups and stews have, especially in these troubled times when comfort food plays a big part in getting people through the day,” said Robert Jackson, a Campbell’s spokesman. “We’d prefer you opened the can and shared a bowl with your neighbor rather than chucking it at someone’s skull, but if you have to toss a can, make it a broth—our profit margins are great on salty water!”
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