Televangelist Blames COVID-19 On Captain America’s Bulge In The Marvel Movies

St. Louis, MO—

Televangelist Phil Worthing of the Straight White Christian Alliance Network generated controversy with a Twitter thread this morning blaming the spread of the coronavirus in America on the Avengers superhero movies from Marvel, specifically Captain America:

“God is furious, and it’s because the gay agenda has rammed a fully erect heresy from Satan straight down every good Christian’s throat until we gag! I’m talking of course about the giant bulge Captain America had in his spandex suit in all the Marvel movies!”

“No one wants to see Chris Evans’ bulge, nor his tight butt, nor his massive pecs, nor his rock hard biceps! We’re not homosexuals! In fact, I’m starting to think Chris Evans may be Satan himself! When I see his scenes in those movies, I find myself getting mysteriously aroused, and I’m as straight as can be! I suspect some kind of dark, evil magic has corrupted those films!”

“On a related note, Black Widow’s suit is way too tight as well. It’s disgusting to see her flaunt her feminine curves like that, and she will likely convince good Christian women around the country to start showing their ankles and knees in public! And why is she fighting crime with the other Avengers? Doesn’t she have a husband or children she should be looking after?!”

“Christians should immediately boycott the Marvel movies because watching them will lead viewers to sin and debauchery. I recently caught myself Googling ‘Chris Evans shirtless,’ but thank God I was able to pray and stop myself just in time before Satan tricked me into doing a gay voyeurism!”

“Whatever you do, don’t Google images of Chris Evans or Captain America! Satan has put tons of them online where you can see his butt, and I know because I’ve done some covert spying on the Devil’s handiwork in order to better understand the Dark Lord!”

“And since this coronavirus has shut down public gatherings across America including my mega church, I’ve been alarmed to find myself idling and taking naps during the day and having dreams about Chris Evans! So all my fellow Christians must boycott Chris Evans immediately to save your souls!”

“Stay strong, and remember that you can still donate money to my church even if we can’t publicly meet anymore. I talked to God yesterday and He told me to tell all of you not to stockpile toilet paper and food, but to stockpile your money in my church account so that we can continue doing the Lord’s work, and fighting Satan and his sinfully hot Avengers movies!”

Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s