Washington D.C.—
According to reports from the Associated Press, Joe Biden just spontaneously combusted.
“It appears Mr. Biden was such a man of paradoxical contradictions that the two metaphysical halves of his soul and being touched one another in this dimension or perhaps some other plane of existential reality connected incomprehensibly to ours, and the chemical or even numinous result was that his physical body burst into flames!” exclaimed Dr. Hubert Isaacson of George Washington University Hospital, who witnessed the event. “The various incongruities of Joe Biden just got too much for his materialist existence to bear, as he is, of course, described in all manners of anomalous inconsistencies. Liberals think he’s a conservative, secret Republican, whereas Republicans think he is a rabid socialist obsessed with converting the American government into communism. President Donald Trump variously describes Mr. Biden as a brain-dead zombie incapable of doing anything other than puttering around aimlessly in his basement, as well as a strategy-concocting genius captain of Antifa terrorists who will stop at nothing to erupt all of America into city-leveling chaos. Similarly, Biden is considered in many political discussions as an opportunist willing to lie to the entire Democratic Party in order to help the deep state US puppet-masters get control over free-thinking Americans in an administration whose policies would be no different fundamentally from the Trump Administration, while others describe Biden as an empty vessel with which radical environmentalists, homosexuals, and Millennial socialists will use to usher in their unprecedentedly Leftish agenda to irrevocably seize American wealth and power for the proletariat. Such contradictions could not in one human form exist, and the resulting chain reaction of energy transfers combusted Mr. Biden’s cells into the pile of ash that rests in a heap in my emergency room now.”
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