Unprompted, Trump Denies That He Reinstalled Taft’s XXL Toilet And Bathtub In The White House

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump today spoke at a press conference in which he meandered in a stream-of-consciousness rant that addressed dozens of topics.

The rant began with him promising that he had not gone to the Walter Reed Medical Center on account of suffering mini-strokes, which was then followed by Trump denying, unprompted, the following supposed allegations:

  • He had to reinstall President Taft’s XXL toilet and bathtub because the toilet and bathtub used in the White House residency since the 1920s were too small for him.
  • He used to eat a bunch of paint chips as a kid, and gnaw on the moldings in his room like a rat.
  • He doesn’t know what Martin Luther King Jr. is famous for.
  • He used to drizzle ketchup on Tiffany as an infant.
  • He wears depends.
  • He weighs substantially more than 239 pounds.
  • He wears shoe lifts to look taller.
  • Kim Jong Un catfished him pretending to be a hot, North Korean prostitute very into golden showers, and got him to text the North Korean government a picture of his genitals.
  • Vladimir Putin writes him personal letters with “Collusion Boy” written on the back of the envelopes.
  • Eric was an accident.
  • None of his wives have ever respected him.
  • John Barron, the tabloid source, was him all along.
  • He didn’t know South America existed until 2017.
  • He uses a finger-lengthening contraption every morning for half an hour.
  • He used to drizzle ketchup on Ivanka as a teenager.
  • His father used to lock him in the family dog’s kennel until he was 25, and that’s why he’s the first president in a century not to have a dog.
  • His favorite musical group is ABBA.
  • He has saucer nipples.
  • His hair is made up of implanted Mongolian ferret fur.
  • He is afraid of Angela Merkel.

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