Unprompted, Trump Denies That He Reinstalled Taft’s XXL Toilet And Bathtub In The White House

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump today spoke at a press conference in which he meandered in a stream-of-consciousness rant that addressed dozens of topics.

The rant began with him promising that he had not gone to the Walter Reed Medical Center on account of suffering mini-strokes, which was then followed by Trump denying, unprompted, the following supposed allegations:

  • He had to reinstall President Taft’s XXL toilet and bathtub because the toilet and bathtub used in the White House residency since the 1920s were too small for him.
  • He used to eat a bunch of paint chips as a kid, and gnaw on the moldings in his room like a rat.
  • He doesn’t know what Martin Luther King Jr. is famous for.
  • He wears depends.
  • He weighs substantially more than 239 pounds.
  • Kim Jong Un catfished him pretending to be a hot, North Korean prostitute very into golden showers, and got him to text the North Korean government a picture of his genitals.
  • Vladimir Putin writes him personal letters with “Collusion Boy” written on the back of the envelopes.
  • Eric was an accident.
  • None of his wives have ever respected him.
  • John Barron, the tabloid source, was him all along.
  • He didn’t know South America existed until 2017.
  • He uses a finger-lengthening contraption every morning for half an hour.
  • His father used to lock him in the family dog’s kennel until he was15, and that’s why he’s the first president in a century not to have a dog.
  • His favorite musical group is ABBA.
  • He has saucer nipples.
  • His hair is made up of implanted Mongolian ferret fur.
  • He has wet dreams about Angela Merkel.

From The Halfway Post vault:

Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s