Ted Cruz, Hedging His Career On Trump’s Reelection, Admits His Father Helped Kill Kennedy

Washington D.C.—

Senator Ted Cruz today swore allegiance to President Donald Trump in a Twitter thread political pundits everywhere called “embarrassing,” “debasing,” and “appallingly opportunistic even for Ted Cruz.”

The following are Mr. Cruz’s tweets:

“I realized the other day that I had not yet formally endorsed President Donald Trump for president, so I’d like to do that now. President Trump always surprises me how loyal his supporters are to him, and I’d like them to remember my loyalty in the future!”

“Me and President Trump have had our differences in the past, and we had a nasty, spirited campaign, but Ted Cruz is gracious in defeat. No one can say I haven’t since bent my knee to the President! Which is why I’d like to admit that Trump was right all along about my dad!”

“My dad did assist in the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. My dad was great friends with Lee Harvey Oswald, and the conspiracy rumors about a second shooter that day in 1963 were true. That was my dad.”

“My dad denies it, but I’d like MAGA fans to know I sold out my own dad for Trump. I’ll also admit that my wife is ugly like Trump said, and that my kids hate me like Trump suggested. So MAGA fans, what do you say? Can I now have your support for my future presidential campaign in 2024?”

“I’ll be way better at continuing on fascism than Ivanka Trump or Donald Trump Jr.! They’re too young, and will have plenty of opportunity to run for president in the future, but I’m starting to get old. And I’ll literally do anything Trump asks, even after replacing him in the White House.”

“I mean it. If Trump asks me to pee my pants onstage at a presidential debate, I’ll do it! Anything to get him to transfer his MAGA supporters to me! Being President has been my only interest since the 2nd grade, and literally nothing will stop me from begging Trump voters to turn into Cruz voters!”

“So Heidi, are you reading this? You’re ugly! Trump was 100% right! I want you to get a boob-job, nose-job, and enough face work to get that hot, sexy alien look Melania Trump has that MAGA fans love! Are you reading this, Trump voters? See how loyal I am to Donald Trump?”

“What other insults should I tell my wife? Go ahead and @ me in my messages whatever you want me to say to her, and I’ll do it! #TedCruz2024!”

From The Halfway Post vault:

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