Mitch McConnell Just Sold His Soul To Satan Live On C-SPAN To Keep His Senate Majority

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

Washington D.C.—

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell just gave a speech on the floor of the Senate in which he appears to offer Satan his everlasting soul in exchange for letting him keep his Republican majority in the Senate.

The following is a transcript of the related excerpt of Mr. McConnell’s speech:

“If my colleagues in the Democratic Party want to pass their socialism into law, consider me the Grim Reaper of the Senate. As long as I am Senate Majority Leader, socialism will never come to America. But things are not looking good in the polls for us, to be frank. We’re going to lose senators, that’s for sure. But the question is how many? Colorado is not looking good for our colleague Cory Gardner, and neither is Maine for our colleague Susan Collins. Arizona looks like a political bloodbath for us. Way to go, Senator McSally. Come November you’ll have lost both Senate seats for us. So that’s three losses. We’ll probably flip Alabama, so that puts our net at negative-two. But there’s a lot of toss-ups. North Carolina, Iowa and Montana are going to be some tough battlegrounds. I’m relatively comfortable with Georgia, where we have two senators up for reelection. Republicans have probably disenfranchised enough black voters there to stop Democrats’ blatant power grab of signing up a bunch of new voters, and I’m confident Governor Kemp will do whatever cheating is necessary to keep Georgia from faithfully honoring its diverse demographics and accurately representing its constituents. But the three toss-ups could flip the Senate to the Democrats, and that has me worried. So I am prepared right now to offer my soul to the Dark Lord Satan in order for Republicans to win at least those three toss-up elections. Preferably more, but I will leave that up to the Dark Lord to decide in His infinite evil wisdom how big the GOP’s majority should be. It just has to be a majority. Satan, are You listening? I, Mitch McConnell renounce my faith in Jesus Christ, and put it instead in You, oh, Great Devil! I will spend all of eternity in the flames of Hell for two more years of Republican Senate majority power! I must have two more years to install enough Republican federal judges and Supreme Court Justices to forever turn America into a theocratic fascist state, and will do anything to make sure the government is corrupted enough that Democrats can never have control of a branch of government ever again. And we all know that it’s census time again, and it’s imperative we Republicans get to gerrymander the tobacco juice out of state districting maps to steal another decade from America’s liberal, diverse populace and entrench minority, white, male, Christian power! So in service of these goals, I sacrifice myself! Yahweh, I firmly and with full conscious intention put Satan before You! I renounce the Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ, and Christianity in its entirety, and am now a full and committed adherent to and servant for the Church of Lucifer! Satan, if You let me stay on as Senate Majority Leader, my soul will be Yours to do with as You please for eternity! I will gladly worship the stench of burning flesh, the sound of piercing shrieks and screams, and the ceaseless sights of torment and suffering! I will cherish drinking from Your great fountains of blood, and feast on Your maggoty corpses in the underworld! I will consent to timeless torture and all the unimaginable cruelties in Your name, Lucifer I pray! …Thank you, Mr. Speaker, and I yield the remainder of my time. Alright, that concludes today’s session, the Senate will adjourn until tomorrow at 9am for the vote on renaming the post office in New Mexico’s 2nd District after Pete Domenici.”

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