Mitch McConnell Just Sold His Soul To Satan Live On C-SPAN To Keep His Senate Majority

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

Washington D.C.—

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell just gave a speech on the floor of the Senate in which he appears to offer Satan his everlasting soul in exchange for letting him keep his Republican majority in the Senate.

The following is a transcript of the related excerpt of Mr. McConnell’s speech:

“If my colleagues in the Democratic Party want to pass their socialism into law, consider me the Grim Reaper of the Senate. As long as I am Senate Majority Leader, socialism will never come to America. But things are not looking good in the polls for us, to be frank. We’re going to lose senators, that’s for sure. But the question is how many? So I am prepared right now to offer my soul to the Dark Lord Satan in order for Republicans to win at least five of the upcoming toss-up Senate elections. Preferably more, but I will leave that up to Satan to decide in His infinite evil wisdom how big the GOP’s majority should be. It just has to be a majority. Satan, are You listening? I, Addison Mitchell McConnell Jr., renounce my faith in Jesus Christ, and put it instead in You, the august Dark Lord! I will gleefully spend all of eternity in the flames of Hell for just two more years of GOP Senate majority power! I must have two more years to install enough Republican federal judges and Supreme Court Justices to fully turn America into a theocratic fascist state, and I will trade my everlasting soul to make sure the government is corrupted enough for Democrats to never have control of a branch of government ever again, no matter how many more millions of votes they get than Republicans! Satan, I offer myself as collateral for a GOP victory! Yahweh, I firmly and with full, willing, conscious intention put Satan before You against Your specific commandment! I renounce the Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ, and Christianity in its entirety, and am henceforth a loyal adherent to and servant for the Church of Lucifer! Satan, if You let me stay on as Senate Majority Leader, my soul will be Yours to do with as You please! I will gladly praise the stench of burning flesh, worship the cacophony of piercing shrieks and screams, and cherish the ceaseless sights of torment and suffering! I will eagerly drink from Your great underworld fountains of blood, and feast upon Your maggoty corpses! I consent to immortal affliction and all unimaginable cruelties in Your name, Lucifer I pray! Thank you, Mr. Speaker, and I yield the remainder of my time. Alright, that concludes today’s session, the Senate will adjourn until tomorrow at 9am for the vote on renaming the post office in New Mexico’s 2nd District after Pete Domenici.”

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