Paul Ryan: “I Did Everything I Could To Stop Trump”

Washington D.C.—

Former Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is reportedly worried about President Donald Trump’s sinking poll numbers, and is blaming Trump for the likelihood that Trump will ruin the Republican Party’s hopes of keeping majority power in the Senate.

The following is an open letter Mr. Ryan wrote to the American people:

Dear America,

I just want you to know that I do not approve of Donald Trump. His spending has been out of control. And I’m not just saying this because it now looks like Democrats very well may win the Presidency and the Senate, and keep the House of Representatives.

Sure, it’s an opportunistic moment to start freaking out about the debt after we Republicans did literally nothing to reduce our annual budget deficits even while I personally had control of the chamber of Congress in which budgetary legislation must begin. And even after retiring from the House I was quiet, and said nothing about the debt. But now that it looks like Democrats will have control of the government, it is time to start caring again.

I also hope to convince America not to blame me for Trump’s presidency. I don’t want to be depicted poorly in the history books, you know? I ignored his racism, his sexism, his admittance to regularly using his celebrity to sexually assault married women, his divisiveness, his authoritarian impulses, his degradation of American prestige world-wide, his hatchet work severing our national blood bond with NATO and the United Nations, his silence on global human rights issues, and his general xenophobia, but I don’t want history to remember me as an enabler or appeaser.

I did everything I could to stop the presidency that history will remember as the worst ever.

Think about how many times journalists and reporters asked me for a comment on Trump’s controversy du jour, and I responded that I hadn’t read his tweet in question, or heard his offensive statement, or paid attention to his racism. That was the harshest, most genuine condemnation I could think of!

So it’s not my fault. I want America to remember how awful Republican voters have become! They loved Trump for being an alpha male, and were dumb enough to really think Trump was a good businessman, and a good role model. Even today, three and a half years into his presidency, they think he’s done a good job, despite the cornucopia of evidence to the contrary! So I wanted to clear my conscience by scolding Trump, but only in such a way that his supporters wouldn’t call me a #NeverTrumper!

You see, I needed those same Trump voters to vote for me and keep the Republican majority in the House so I could continue to be Speaker! It’s not my fault Republican voters have sunken so low into the pit of demagogue-loving national self-destruction! You have to play the cards you’re dealt!

So don’t blame me, America. I tried to give subtle hints to how I really felt about Donald Trump. I rarely said anything good, or complimentary, about Trump, you know? I merely said nothing at all. I pretended Trump didn’t exist. I think my silence is indicative of a lot of guts and noble honor compared to how sycophantic the rest of the GOP is!

So don’t lump me in with Trump in the history books as the reason why America lost its prestige as the beacon of freedom, hope, and idealism throughout the world. In fact, just forget I was in the government at all!


Paul Ryan

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2 thoughts

  1. Mr. Ryan, As a Christian conservative, and as a professional in the business world, I have two votes that I have pledged to the Republican party that have been undeserved.

    My first was supporting John McCain, as I learn more and more about him, but more specifically for his knowledge of Jeffery Epstein ((according to his wife Cindy), but did nothing to save our kids.

    My second was for Romney/Ryan ticket, the worst of any final debate of any election. He laid down and put his hand out for the payout. And for you, a man with many skeletons in his closet exits office. Hmmm, you had another 30 years as a senior person the the people’s house. It makes me wonder….how deep are your crimes? I will pray for you and your family, but am thankful that I’m not your judge.

  2. U R a Hypocrite. Omnibus” Mr. President here is your wall”, when Wisconsin was being raped and pillaged, You Sir deserted your constituents.
    Oh! That’s right you are out of politics.
    Lost debate for V P.

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