Washington D.C.—
President Donald Trump today announced he would not be looking into building a presidential library after he retires from politics, but would instead look into a Burger King franchise.
“The news that he very well may lose to Joe Biden has depressed the President,” explained a White House staffer, who requested anonymity to discuss internal White House deliberations. “But he realized that when he’s feeling down, three Burger King whoppers cooked well done with extra ketchup always cheers him up. I’d argue fast food is more America’s First Lady right now than Melania. It gives him way more love than Melania ever has. And a Burger King franchise would do a lot to distract Trump post-presidency so that he doesn’t start a news network to try and get revenge on America for not reelecting him, and create massive whiny conspiracy theories that threaten to inspire his militantly disgruntled supporters to start a civil war. I think a Presidential Burger King would be perfect for both Trump and America. He’s always wanted to govern like a king, though the Constitution has really limited his desired authority, and he figures he can finally be a king if he builds a Burger King restaurant in Trump Tower.”
Other White House aides confirmed the reporting.
“It’s pretty obvious the President isn’t the kind of guy who would ever care about a library,” explained a second staffer, who also requested anonymity. “Donald Trump may be the only person on Earth who has published more ghost-written books than he has read. If Trump ever did read a book he might use more words than ‘bad,’ ‘terrible,’ ‘tremendous,’ and ‘beautiful’ to describe everything. And what would Trump put in the library? The Art of the Deal? He doesn’t write any profound speeches, or policies, or even memos. He literally doesn’t even use a computer. He likes emails to be printed out for him. His library would just showcase a printout of all his tweets or something, and have you read his tweets? Why should taxpayers spend the money to immortalize his tweets accusing Joe Scarborough of being a murderer, and Rose O’Donnell being a pig? Honestly, a Trump Presidential Library would be a humiliating embarrassment for Trump, all our Presidents, libraries, and literacy in general. Just let Trump have his Burger King, let him wear one of those paper crowns, and call it a day!”
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