Hi, Donald Trump’s lawyer here! You know, the one who recently claimed in a courtroom that a president could order S.E.A.L. Team 6 to assassinate all his political enemies, and not be subject to a criminal prosecution unless he was first impeached and convicted by Congress. And I mean it!
This may sound like the president is utterly above the law, and can go around murdering anyone and everyone he wants, but nothing is further from the truth. The Constitution has brilliantly included the check and balance on limitless executive branch killing sprees with the Congressional power to impeach and convict the president at any time.
The partisan Democratic Senate may decide they appreciate the political benefits of genocide against Republicans, and choose to look the other way from Biden’s reign of terror as he dismembers the hundreds of Republican members of Congress and all their red state governors’ replacement choices until Congress is made up 100% of Democrats, but, Constitutionally, that’s Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and his majority’s prerogative!
If any Democrats are repulsed by the bloodthirstiness, Biden could carefully choose a few assassinations of dissenting Democratic senators to ensure the rest of the Democratic caucus falls in line. That’s what a reelected President Trump would do — and Constitutionally could!
Such power is described right in the name of the executive branch: the president has the responsibility to “execute” the law, and — if you ask Webster’s Dictionary — people!
In fact, ALL presidents have had the privilege to commit any crimes they want. It’s not my client Donald Trump’s fault that the 44 presidents before him from George Washington to Barack Obama were so unimaginative regarding the awesome extra-judicial powers the Office of the Presidency permits.
John Adams could have strangled Thomas Jefferson after he became the first president to lose reelection. Herbert Hoover could have offered to wheel FDR around for a little bit in his wheelchair, and then pushed him in the way of an oncoming train. Richard Nixon could have purged the entire Department of Justice to get back his secret tapes. Unless their respective Senates would have convicted them in impeachment trials, they’d have gotten away with it!
My critics may scoff at my legal reasoning, but the Constitution is squarely on my side. It is absolutely clear that Joe Biden can nuke Mar-a-Lago, or shoot Donald Trump and eat his corpse on live television with no consequences unless Congress removes him from office. Even if Mr. Biden murdered me and my entire family, and smeared our blood all over his naked body as a warning to the rest of my profession not to get in his way, I’d spend my afterlife arguing like a broken record it was perfectly within his presidential authority. My ghost would beam with eternal pride knowing I died defending the Constitution!
And if Mr. Biden was somehow convicted in the Senate without first decapitating all the yea voters, it’s obvious he couldn’t then be prosecuted in a federal court after the fact because Trump’s other legal defense theories have made it crystal clear that former presidents cannot be held accountable for anything they did while carrying out their responsibilities as president.
Besides, it would be double jeopardy to try Biden for mass murder AFTER he was already impeached for it. Biden would be totally free to go back home and spend his remaining days with his family, unless, of course, his successor sends S.E.A.L. Team 6 to Delaware!
So, as you can see, the power to hold presidents accountable for crimes stands only with Congress, which is why my client, Donald Trump, absolutely cannot be punished for hoarding classified documents, inciting an insurrectionist coup attempt, or any of the other felonies for which he’s currently being prosecuted. Are some of his actions literal crimes for regular people? Yes. For presidents? Only if 2/3rds of the Senate says so!
But neither of his impeachments resulted in a conviction, so everything he did as president was necessarily legitimate and legally sound, and there’s nothing any of these judges or juries can do now to change that.
The only thing my client has to worry about is Dark Brandon liquidating his likely 2024 general election opponent before voting begins!
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