Washington D.C.—
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan recently surprised no one when he announced his retirement from Congress just as the GOP was on the cusp of losing its majority in the House of Representatives in an electoral midterm shellacking, but Mr. Ryan did surprise political pundits by announcing he’d spend his retirement following his dream of clubbing baby seals to death in northern Canada.
“I can tell you that Paul feels now is the right time to retire,” explained a Ryan confidant in the House, who requested anonymity to candidly discuss the Speaker’s plans. “He achieved his number two dream of passing uninhibited tax cuts big enough to balloon the national deficit necessitating eventual budget cuts that will screw over the nation’s struggling poor in order for the mega rich and corporations to horde the profits of the country’s downtrodden laborers at nation-threatening levels of economic inequality, so now he feels ready to go after his number one dream of murdering cute, big-eyed, cuddly baby seals. He told me he’s buying a one-way ticket to Canada, and that he won’t stop clubbing until he feels that God has given him a sign that it’s time to accept some of the cushy lobbying and board of directors jobs waiting for him as a corporate ‘thank you’ for his work eviscerating America’s budgetary stability in favor of CEOs’ capital gains profits.”
Another Congressional friend of Mr. Ryan said he was glad that Ryan could finally do what he had always been talking about doing.
“No one deserves this more than Paul,” said the Congressman. “The average person just has no idea how hard Paul’s job has been these last two years. Paul heroically kept together a Republican House delegation constantly threatening to fracture, and every day he had to act like it was totally normal that House Republicans were ideologically shifting toward far-Right hate groups and neo-fascist ethno-nationalism based on white supremacy. Paul did truly commendable work bridging the natural divisions between disparate conservative factions from closeted KKK members to the Alt-Right, from libertarians, to neo-con warmongers who think bombing dozens of countries at the same time is what best exemplifies American global leadership, and from moderates to straight up Russian-bought assets promoting Russia’s interests in Congress. Do you want that job? No one does! But Paul went to work each day and somehow managed to hold this rickety coalition of sundry fanatics together by going out of his way to never publicly appear to have any principles or values that might potentially upset or embarrass the various radicals in the Republican tent. And then there’s Trump. Paul suffered every day pretending he didn’t know Trump had a Twitter account, or had ever rumors of the Republican National Committee funneling Republican donor money directly into Trump’s personal bank accounts. If you ask me, Paul deserves to club as many baby seals to death as his heart desires. He may have done nothing to defend our institutions of liberal democracy from being dismantled into irrelevant shells of their former federal glory, and nothing to protect Congress’s role as a co-equal partner against the executive branch, and nothing to protect our international allies from the inexplicably impulsive whims of Trump’s skim and dim worldview, and nothing to reassure America’s minority groups that they belong in America despite Trump’s abhorrent xenophobia, but that’s what many conservative voters across the nation consider admirable success! My only hope for Paul’s retirement is that he can find a hint of nirvana out there in the Canadian hinterland clubbing the brains out of all those baby seals!”
Upon news of Mr. Ryan’s retirement, the Koch Brothers gifted him with a deluxe wooden baseball bat branded with the words “World’s Best Congressman.”
The Halfway Post reached out to Speaker Ryan, and asked him what he thought about his legacy.
“I think I accomplished a lot,” said Ryan. “Not in terms of the number of bills I got passed into law, or in terms of the size and scope of Republican legislation, but I think if you count the number of dollars given back to already rich millionaires and billionaires courtesy of my tax cuts, I may have gotten myself into the top-five of consequential Speakers of the House in US history! I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking about how my beloved tax reform added way more to the debt than we said it would, but, if we’re being fair, the record does show that I never explicitly said that Congress needed to get America’s debt problem under control while I was speaker. I was specifically vague about the timeline of the debt-solving. We Republicans have only been explicitly focused on cutting the debt when a Democrat is in office, you know? And now that we Republicans just ensured the government will be taking in much less money for the next few years, the next Democratic president is really going to have to focus on the debt! Boy, I love conservatism! Politics is just so much easier when you don’t have to give a f*** about anyone who isn’t rich, and poor people will vote for you anyway to cut taxes for the top tax brackets they’ll never come close to approaching because they think they might be millionaires someday. I love the unearned confidence of the working poor. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there are lots of baby seals whose heads are looking marvelously bashable!”
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