Paul Ryan’s Retirement Means He Can Pursue His Real Dream: Clubbing Baby Seals To Death


Washington D.C.—

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan surprised no one when he announced his retirement from Congress.

Literally no one was shocked that the spineless, ineffective Speaker who has literally never stood up to President Trump to protect or preserve any of his professed morals or alleged values would plan to retire just as his party was at the cusp of being metaphorically shelled in midterm elections, and Paul Ryan announced that his retirement would allow him to follow his dreams of clubbing baby seals to death in Canada.

“I can tell you that Paul feels now is the right time to retire,” explained a Ryan confidant in the House, who requested anonymity to candidly discuss the Speaker’s plans. “He achieved his number two dream of passing tax reform that screws over the nation’s poor and struggling in order for the mega rich and corporations to horde the profits of the country’s downtrodden laborers at nation-threatening-levels of economic inequality, so now he feels ready to go after his number one dream of murdering the world’s population of cute, big-eyed cuddly baby seals. He told me he’s buying a one-way ticket to Canada, and that he won’t stop clubbing until he feels that God has given him a sign that it’s time to accept a cushy corporate lobbying job no doubt waiting for him as a board room ‘thank you’ for his work eviscerating America’s working poor in favor of CEOs.”

Another Congressional friend of Mr. Ryan said he was glad that Ryan could finally do what he had always been talking about wanting to do.

“No one deserves this more than Paul,” said the GOP ally. “The average person just has no idea how hard Paul’s job had been those last two years. Paul had to heroically keep together a Republican House delegation constantly threatening to fracture into separate factions, and Paul does not get the credit he deserves. Every day Paul had to act like it was totally normal that House Republicans were ideologically shifting toward far-right hate groups such as the KKK, the fascist and dogmatically white supremacist Alt-Right, various militia groups who cannot wait to declare civil war against the US military, racists who want to bring back slavery, libertarians who want to destroy the economy going back to the gold standard, neoconservative warmongers who think bombing dozens of countries is what best exemplifies American global leadership, and straight up Russian-bought assets bribed to promote Russia’s interests in Congress. Do you want that job? I highly doubt it! But Paul went to work every day and just barely managed to hold this coalition of immoderate lunatics together by going out of his way to never publicly appear to have any ethics or principles whatsoever. I mean, the guy medically removed the bottom two inches of his spine so that he could better exert no influence on the awful behavior and rhetoric of Trump and no one has ever thanked him for that! Paul suffered every day pretending he hadn’t read any of Trump’s horrifying unAmerican tweets, pretending he didn’t know about any of Trump’s personal scandals, and pretending he didn’t know that the Republican National Committee was directly complicit in accepting tens of millions of dollars in Russian money. If you ask me, Paul deserves to club as many baby seals to death as his heart desires. Even though he virtually did nothing to help the democratic institutions President Trump has been dismantling into little illiberal pieces, and did nothing to strengthen Congress’s roles as a co-equal branch to the executive branch. My only hope for Paul’s wonderful retirement is that he finds peace out there in the Canadian hinterland clubbing baby seals.”

Upon news of Mr. Ryan’s retirement, the Koch Brothers gifted him with a deluxe wooden baseball bat branded with the words “World’s Best Speaker.”

(Picture courtesy of Alias 0591.)

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