Paul Ryan’s Retirement Means He Can Pursue His Real Dream: Clubbing Baby Seals To Death


Washington D.C.—

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan surprised no one this week when he announced his intended retirement from Congress.

Literally no one was shocked that the spineless, ineffective Speaker who has literally never stood up to President Trump to protect or preserve any of his alleged morals or values would plan to retire just as his party comes to the cusp of being metaphorically slaughtered in midterm elections and being prosecuted for suspected Russian money-laundering, and Paul Ryan announced that his retirement would allow him to follow his dreams of clubbing baby seals to death in Canada.

“I can tell you that Paul feels now is the right time to retire,” explained a Ryan confidant in the House, who requested anonymity to candidly discuss the Speaker’s plans. “He achieved his number two dream of passing tax reform that screws over the nation’s poor and struggling so that the mega rich and corporations can horde the profits of the country’s downtrodden laborers at nation-threatening-levels of economic inequality, so now he feels ready to go after his number one dream of murdering the world’s population of cute, big-eyed cuddly baby seals. He told me he’s buying a one-way ticket to Canada, and that he won’t stop clubbing until he feels that God has given him a sign that it’s time to accept one of the plethora of cushy corporate lobbying jobs no doubt waiting for him as a board room ‘thank you’ for his work eviscerating America’s working poor so that already rich people can get even more rich no matter how much decay and rot afflicts the United States, its citizens, and the American dream.”

Another Congressional friend of Mr. Ryan said he was glad that Ryan could finally do what he had always been talking about wanting to do.

“No one deserves this more than Paul,” said the GOP ally. “The average person just has no idea how hard Paul’s job has been the last two years. Paul has had to heroically keep together a Republican House delegation constantly threatening to fracture into separate factions, and Paul does not get the credit he deserves. Every day Paul has had to act like it was totally normal that House Republicans were ideologically shifting toward far-right hate groups such as the KKK, the fascist and dogmatically white supremacist Alt-Right, various militia groups who cannot wait to declare civil war against the US military, racists who want to bring back slavery, libertarians who want to destroy the economy going back to the gold standard, neoconservative warmongers who think nuking dozens of countries is what best exemplifies American global leadership, and straight up Russian-bought assets bribed to promote Russia’s interests in Congress. Do you want that job? I highly doubt it! But Paul went to work every day and just barely managed to hold this coalition of immoderate lunatics together by going out of his way to never publicly appear to have any ethics or principles whatsoever. I mean, the guy medically removed his spine so that he could better exert no influence on the awful behavior and rhetoric of his House majority and party’s president, and no one thanks him for that. No one! Paul suffered every day pretending he hadn’t read any of Trump’s horrifying unAmerican tweets, pretending he didn’t know about any of Trump’s personal scandals no matter how degrading of women and minorities they got, and pretending he didn’t know that the Republican National Committee was directly complicit in accepting tens of millions of dollars in Russian money. If you ask me, Paul deserves to club as many baby seals to death as his heart desires, and he definitely deserves to wash his hands of this Trumpian mess in government he has done literally nothing to help clean up. Even though he has virtually done nothing to help the democratic institutions President Trump has been dismantling into little illiberal pieces, and has done nothing to strengthen Congress’s roles as a co-equal branch to the executive branch, no one in America has had a tougher two years than Paul pretending everything is normal in the age of Trump. My only hope for Paul’s wonderful retirement is that he finds peace out there in the Canadian hinterland clubbing baby seals.”

Upon news of Mr. Ryan’s retirement, the Koch Brothers gifted him with a deluxe wooden baseball bat branded with the words “World’s Best Speaker.”


(Picture courtesy of Alias 0591.)

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