What Paul Ryan Is Doing Now After Leaving Politics

Madison, WI—

Paul Ryan retired in 2018 just ahead of the midterm shellacking that would see Republicans lose a spectacular number of House seats. Faithful readers of The Halfway Post have been asking what Paul has been up to since, so we did some investigating and found these highlights of Ryan’s post-politics life:

  • Bashed the brains out of cute, cuddly baby seals in Canada. After leaving D.C., Ryan flew to the Gulf of St. Lawrence in Quebec, and spent several weeks hunting seals tirelessly searching for the cutest seal pups, ignoring the ugly ones, and murdering them. And quite probably at least a little necrophiliac bestiality when he got lonely out there.
  • Started a marijuana dispensary. Ryan met some hippies in Montreal and got into the marijuana industry with them. He only wears tie dye clothing now, and has a tattoo of Tommy Chong on his arm. They sell different strains of weed referencing Ryan’s political career, such as “Ted Cruzin’ Sativa,” “Kush Limbaugh,” and “The Barack Hussein Strain.” Their most powerful hybrid variety is called “Louie Gohmert,” an indica strain so sedating it makes you feel brain dead.
  • Taught a community college class on personal finance. However, he got fired after just one semester because he taught the class according to his conservative principles on fiscal policy. Just like the irresponsible tax cuts he passed into law diminishing the government’s funds in order to paradoxically “cut the debt,” he advised students to get out of personal debt by asking their employers to cut their salaries.
  • A crack addiction in December of 2019 he calls his “dark month.”
  • Branded his name and likeness to a Wisconsin chiropractor’s business to profit off his name being synonymous with spinelessness.
  • Served as a pallbearer at David Koch’s funeral. He gave a speech in memory of how much campaign cash David gave him over the years.
  • An arrest in April of 2020 for public indecency walking around naked after eating three “Louie Gohmert” pot brownies mixed with crack.
  • He got a tattoo of the words “BORN TO CUT TAXES” on his neck, and a dollar sign inked under his right eye.

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