Paul Ryan retired in 2018 just ahead of the midterm shellacking that would see Republicans lose a spectacular number of House seats. Faithful readers of The Halfway Post have been asking what Paul has been up to since, so we did some investigating!
The following are highlights of Paul Ryan’s post-politics life:
- Bashing the brains out of cute, cuddly baby seals in the hinterlands of Canada. After leaving Washington D.C. Ryan flew to the Gulf of St. Lawrence in Quebec, and spent several weeks hunting seals. And by hunting we mean tirelessly searching for the cutest seal pups, ignoring the ugly ones, and then bashing their skulls in. And quite probably at least a little bestiality.
- Starting a marijuana dispensary. After clubbing seals until he felt God was telling him it was time to stop, Ryan met some hippies in Montreal and entered into the weed business with them. He only wears tie dye clothing now, and has a tattoo of Tommy Chong on his arm. They sell different strains of marijuana that Ryan named with references to his political career, such as “Ted Cruzin’ Sativa,” “Kush Limbaugh,” and “The Barack Hussein Strain.” Their most powerful hybrid variety is called “Louie Gohmert,” an indica strain so sedating it makes you feel brain dead.
- Teaching a community college class on personal finance. However, he got fired after just one year because he taught the class according to his conservative principles on governance. Just like the irresponsible tax cuts he passed into law diminishing the government’s funds in order to paradoxically “cut the debt,” he advised students to get out of personal debt by asking their employers to cut their salaries.
- Getting into a bit of a crack addiction in December of 2019 he calls his “dark month.”
- Winning an Oscar for “Best Supporting Actor” for saying nothing about all of Trump’s legal, political, and moral transgressions, despite his responsibility as a top representative of the American people to courageously stand up for what is right and voice his opinions without regard for partisan self-interest.
- Branding his name and likeness to a Wisconsin chiropractor’s business called “Paul Ryan’s Spinal Doctor” to try profiting off his name being synonymous with spinelessness.
- Serving as a pallbearer at David Koch’s funeral. He gave a speech in memory of how much campaign cash David gave him over the years.
- Getting arrested in April of 2020 for public indecency walking around a grocery store naked sampling various food items after eating too many “Louie Gohmert” pot brownies and possibly during a crack relapse.
- He got a face tattoo of the words “Born to cut taxes.”
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