Madison, WI—
Former Speaker of the House Paul Ryan got unusually candid with The Halfway Post during a recent interview about his political legacy.
“I have to admit that the Supreme Court’s Citizens United ruling had a toxic effect on US politics, and my own personal life,” said Ryan. “I got caught up in the money game, and did some things I am not proud of to procure political spending from the Koch Brothers. David Koch, in particular, was a real freak.”
The following are things Mr. Ryan admitted to doing for Koch money:
- Sang Britney Spears’ “I’m A Slave 4 U” on every quarterly conference call
- Let Charles ride him around like a little horsey during CPAC
- Got a tattoo of Charles on his left butt cheek, and a tattoo of David on his taint
- Ate a live tarantula for $100 million in extra donations for doomed House campaigns in 2018
- Served as a drug mule for Charles, and brought him some colon cocaine from Mexico
- Made David a homemade video of squirrel pornography
- Went on a road trip with Charles to Alaska and back, and read aloud Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged for entertainment
- Changed his name on all social media accounts to Paul “The Koch Man” Ryan
- Gave David a cup of his urine so David could pass a drug test
- Swore allegiance to the Kochs, and made a blood oath that he would never raise their taxes even a penny
- Served as a bra for David by standing behind him all day and using his hands to hold up David’s saggy man boobs
- Got a second tattoo of David’s face on his taint over the first taint tattoo because David thought the first tattoo made his ears look too big
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