Paul Ryan Admits Some Of The Degrading Things He Did For Koch Brother Money

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

Madison, WI—

Former Speaker of the House Paul Ryan got unusually candid with The Halfway Post during a recent interview about his political legacy.

“I have to admit that the Supreme Court’s Citizens United ruling had a toxic effect on US politics, and my own personal life,” said Ryan. “I got caught up in the money game, and did some things I am not proud of to procure political spending from the Koch Brothers. David Koch, in particular, was a real freak.”

The following are things Mr. Ryan admitted to doing for Koch money:

  • Sang Britney Spears’ “I’m A Slave 4 U” on every quarterly conference call
  • Let Charles ride him around like a little horsey during CPAC
  • Got a tattoo of Charles on his left butt cheek, and a tattoo of David on his taint
  • Ate a live tarantula for $100 million in extra donations for doomed House campaigns in 2018
  • Served as a drug mule for Charles, and brought him some colon cocaine from Mexico
  • Made David a homemade video of squirrel pornography
  • Went on a road trip with Charles to Alaska and back, and read aloud Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged for entertainment
  • Changed his name on all social media accounts to Paul “The Koch Man” Ryan
  • Gave David a cup of his urine so David could pass a drug test
  • Swore allegiance to the Kochs, and made a blood oath that he would never raise their taxes even a penny
  • Served as a bra for David by standing behind him all day and using his hands to hold up David’s saggy man boobs
  • Got a second tattoo of David’s face on his taint over the first taint tattoo because David thought the first tattoo made his ears look too big

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