Now that Donald Trump‘s schedule is wide open, he is reportedly trying to spend more time with his grandchildren. These are his favorite activities with them:
- Pays them $1 for each photo they find on Google in which his fingers don’t look like stubby little sausages.
- Has them make him profiles on dating websites so he can find Grandma #4.
- Teaches them how to crush up his little, pill-shaped blue “candies” for him to “eat through his nose,” and bring him a new Diet Coke every half hour.
- Asks Ivanka’s kids every day to try and remember more details about what it was like in her womb.
- Has Eric’s kids rehearse pitches with executives at cancer charities to convince them to book their fundraisers at Trump properties with vague, vacillating promises of discounts.
- Asks them “Which one of you is Barron again?”
- Has them draw pictures of his inauguration, and yells at them when they haven’t drawn enough stick figure people.
- Has them sign their names on various IRS forms and State of New York subpoenas as “Official Accountants of The Trump Organization.”
- Borrows their middle school yearbooks to look for cleavage.
- Lets them take turns kicking Ted Cruz in the balls, which Ted eagerly consents to because Trump told him he’d “maybe” endorse him for president if he gets kicked enough times.
- Teaches them how to invent names to use for calling reporters and planting fake stories about themselves in the future.
- Records them calling Jeff Sessions on the phone to tell him they hate him using all the cuss words they know.
- Teaches them Bible stories—hahahahahahaha, sorry, I couldn’t write that one with a straight face.
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