Mike Pompeo Threatened A Girl Scout Tour Group For Asking About Ukraine

Washington D.C.—

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo recently lost his temper over questions about the Ukrainian scandal from NPR’s Mary Louise Kelly, and today he lost his temper again while talking to a local Girl Scout troop on a White House tour.

When Pompeo walked past and stopped to say hello, Ally Shiner, a 9-year-old Brownie, asked him why he was not choosing to testify in the Senate’s impeachment trial in order to exonerate his boss, President Donald Trump, when he has said numerous times publicly that the President did not commit any impeachable crimes.

Pompeo then exploded in anger, which several of the Brownies captured on their iPhones.

The Halfway Post received several video recordings of the outburst from the Brownies’ parents, and the following is an account of the exchange:

“What do you know about Ukraine, you little hussies?” yelled Pompeo. “You can’t even find Ukraine on a map! Donald Trump is not guilty! I was listening in on all the calls, and I saw all the memos! Trump did nothing wrong, and I’m only not testifying because the President is claiming executive privilege… even though if he let me, or Mulvaney, or Mnuchin testify, we could end the whole impeachment scam in ten minutes!”

“So why won’t he just let one of you testify then?” asked Maddy Greusen, 10.

“Because you’re a little brat!” Pompeo screamed back. “That’s why! Because that’s exactly what Democrats want! They’re begging us to testify and say under oath that Trump is innocent, so that’s exactly why we can’t testify. I’ll be dead in the ground before I let Nancy Pelosi get her way! Even though my sworn testimony, memos and emails could all have ended this whole joke of an impeachment mess a year ago, I’ll stay quiet and uncooperative for ten more years! A hundred more years! I have executive privilege until the sun explodes and incinerates the Earth itself!”

“So you could forward a couple memos to the Senate, and never have to be asked about Ukraine again… and you’re not just doing that?” asked Abby Pheifer, 9.

“How many times do I have to explain myself?” shrieked Pompeo, whose face was now bright red. “You little trollops don’t know anything about America! You can’t even find America on a map! Get me the map!”

One of Pompeo’s aides walked away momentarily and came back with a blank map of the world.

“Show me where America is on the map,” demanded Pompeo. Abby Phiefer immediately pointed to the US.

“Screw you!” yelled Pomeo, pointing to each girl. “Screw you, screw you, screw you, screw you, and especially screw you! I knew Girl Scouts were stuck-up floozies, but you all are giant, arrogant know-it-alls as well! You’re going to regret this! None of you will ever work in this town. I’ll make sure of it! I’m going to ruin you! I’ll destroy any careers you ever have! You’ll regret ever asking me about Ukraine, I swear to God!”

Pompeo then proceeded to slap himself in the face repeatedly as he screamed obscenities at the Brownies. Then he pulled down his pants, defecated on the floor, and started throwing feces at the girls and their chaperones as they ran away.

“You think you’re brownies?” Pompeo shrieked! “I’ll show you brownies! My Brownies are homemade… straight from the oven up my asshole! Never ask me about Ukraine again! Trump is innocent, and I could prove it right now if I wanted!”

“Then just testify, you moron!” yelled back Ally Shiner before getting to the White House door.

The recording ends here, but The Halfway Post interviewed White House janitor Ben Miggins about the incident.

“Yeah, this kind of thing happens about once a week now,” said Miggins. “I’m used to cleaning up poop stains from various presidential pets that have lived here, but not human feces. Though I guess the way Mike Pompeo has sold his soul brainlessly defending all of the President’s crimes, he’s kind of like Trump’s pet, so this technically is still included within the terms of my employment.”

Our Halfway Post reporter handed Miggins a $10 bill, and told him to get himself a six-pack of beer tonight on us.

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