Detroit, MI—
Flat-Earther groups have been growing around the nation, and they now have launched a new umbrella organization that they hope will bridge many of the factional rifts between various Flat-Earth communities by focusing on various scientific projects they can all support designed to prove once and for all that the Earth is not round.
The new organization is called the Flat Earth Community of Essential Sciences, though many of the founding members have already publicized regrets about the name choice.
“Unfortunately we spent a lot of money on the banners, business cards, literature, and mailers before we realized what the acronym would be,” explained Paul Wooddarn, the organization’s president. “And it just seems like we’ve had a very unlucky start because the second organization we founded to combat false narratives about our Flat-Earth movement online and in the media was named the Professional Organization of Oppositional Propaganda. We’re kind of 0 for 2 on the whole naming thing.”
The board of directors for FECES voted in favor of keeping the name for at least a year in order to not waste the money they spent on their promotional materials designed to grow the Flat-Earth movement.
“Who knows, maybe the comedy of our errors will promote our organization online,” Wooddarn said. “If people are going to make fun of us for naming our group FECES by accident, at least they’ll know we exist. And at this point we could really use the marketing help. We were hoping we could have made a big name for ourselves already by quickly proving the Earth was flat once and for all, but, unfortunately, we haven’t made much headway there. We’ve done several experiments now with gyroscopes, lasers and shadows that all seem to suggest the Earth isn’t flat. Also, we sent a boat out from San Francisco heading west, but the boat ended up in Japan. According to our flat-Earth maps, the boat should have either fallen off the edge of the Earth into space or hit a giant ice wall. I don’t know what’s going on, but maybe NASA has sent some undercover spies into our group to sabotage our experiments. But it doesn’t matter how many science experiments prove I’m wrong, I’m 100% sure the Earth is flat. The only thing I can’t decide is whether the flat Earth has a dome above it, or whether the flat Earth goes on in every direction forever on an endless plain beyond the great ice wall surrounding the seven continents we currently know about.”
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