Ivanka Trump Said She’d Be Honored To Be America’s First Female Dictator

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka Trump was recently asked during a press conference about her family-leave policy plans if she had ever thought about becoming a legislator in Congress.

“Oh, I think about it all the time,” explained Ms. Trump. “I’m so honored that you brought up the question actually, and I have to admit that I would be so honored to be America’s first female dictator. My dad is accomplishing a lot of fascist accomplishments—from other-izing immigrants and caging migrant toddlers; to opening investigations into innocent, private citizens; to collaborating with and sucking up to other dictators around the globe; and trying to turn Fox News into a kind of state news thought-police media agency—but I have so many ideas how I’d do fascism a little bit different. For instance, my dad lets a lot of people ridicule his physical looks still. When I become dictator, that will stop immediately thanks to ramped up mass incarceration. No one will be allowed to mock my physical appearance. I’m extremely beautiful, and you can tell because my dad is always talking about my looks. He’s been with so many women, and when you include all the women he’s made moves on unconsensually, that number skyrockets. So when he says I’m the sexiest he’s ever seen, you know it’s mathematically true. Also, I’d annex Canada, or invade it if I have to, so that I can dump that scrawny shrimp Jared and marry Prime Minister Justin Trudeau to consolidate my political hold on Canada’s territory. What a hunk… Although the very first thing I’ll do is fire a bunch of my father’s advisers. Stephen Miller is a giant creep, and he always wants to hug me. Uggh, it’s so gross. I hugged him one time and he held on for way too long, and I could hear him smelling my hair. He’s so weird with hair. One time I caught him in my office collecting stray hairs. He had a handful of them, and, when I asked him what he was doing, he told me he wasn’t going to use them for a life-sized replica doll he was assembling that looks just like me. The creepy way he said it, though, made it sound like that’s exactly what he was doing. God, he’s so gross.”

A reporter from CNN politely interjected to explain that the question was whether or not Ivanka had thought about becoming a legislator, as in run for Congress.

“Ohhhh, legislator. Ew, no. Congress is filled with weird rednecks from small, rural states who probably have sex with farm animals. You have to remember that I’m a city girl from Manhattan. I don’t really like to be around Congressional representatives who were voted in by a bunch of dirty farmers, and I definitely don’t want to catch some disease that started with a goat. Actually, I’d combine a bunch of states like the Dakotas, and then put together Alabama and Mississippi with Louisiana. Obviously Idaho, Montana and Wyoming don’t need to have 6 combined marble-mouth hillbilly senators. Well, if I run as a Republican, that might give Democrats majorities… Ha! Who am I kidding, of course I’ll run as a Republican at first. Those brainless idiots will elect me just because my last name is Trump. I’ll throw in a couple lines about Mexicans being rapists, and I’m golden. That’s literally all my dad had to do. Then, once I’m elected, I’ll take full dictatorial power. I’ll just get rid of Congress completely. If my dad could convince Republicans to vote against impeachment trial witnesses as guilty as he obviously is, then I’m sure I can get Congressional Republicans to abolish themselves. I’ll replace the House and Senate with a clique of my friends who just yell ‘yaaasss queen’ for whatever I want to do. It’ll be fabulous.”

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