New York City, NY—
The sibling rivalry between President Donald Trump’s oldest children is heating up now that Eric Trump has just announced his 2024 presidential candidacy.
Eric is the first to launch a presidential campaign, though both Donald Jr. and Ivanka have long been rumored to be planning for runs as well.
“I was first,” explained Eric in a brief phone conversation with The Halfway Post this morning. “Don and Ivanka can suck it! I have dibs so they better back off. Ivanka thinks she should be the next president because she’s a girl and she’s our dad’s favorite, but she’s just a stuck-up, bossy phony. She says ‘ladies first,’ but she isn’t a lady. I don’t know why people think she’s hot. She’s gross. I totally disagree with my dad on that one, I don’t think she’s bangable at all. And don’t even get me started on Don Jr. He’s so dumb, and he eats his scabs. He goes hunting a lot, and gets a bunch of mosquito bites, and then he always picks them until they bleed. When they scab over, he picks those, too, and eats them! He says it’s what Green Berets do to eat protein and iron when they’re stranded in the wilderness behind enemy lines, but I don’t believe him. I think he’s just creepy. I also think he might be racist because he gets chegros a lot while hiking and camping, but he calls them ‘chiggers.’ I tell him that ‘chiggers’ is a slur, but he never listens. Unpresidential if you ask me.”
Asked what kind of campaign platform he would be running on, Eric told us he would be quite a different president than his Dad.
“You’d be surprised how much of my own man I am,” continued Eric. “To be honest, I don’t think my father’s presidency has been as effective as it could have been. He doesn’t really like to read, or brainstorm solutions to problems, or have a long-term plan, or lead by example, or listen to the advice of experts, or respect women. That last one is big difference between my father’s style of leadership and mine. I’ve just always thought my dad would have been more successful in life if he hadn’t sexually assaulted women so much. It always seemed like such a big distraction to me that because of his sex crimes he would have to spend so much time in court and depositions, and paying off victims, and planning with lawyers, and financing catch-and-kill stories. I learned from watching him that life is just easier when you don’t regularly sexually assault women. Also, my father only hires young, mostly blonde women for his advisers and staff members. He has always said he hates uglies, but I always thought that was a waste of potential. In fact, I’ve found that some of the smartest, most capable women out there are at least a little ugly.”
NEXT ERIC TRUMP ARTICLE:
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!