New York City, NY—
According to the publisher of Donald Trump Jr.’s upcoming book, his newest political memoir will feature several scathing takedowns of his sister, Ivanka Trump.
The oldest Trump kids are reportedly fighting behind the scenes over who gets to run for president first in 2024, and their rivalry is beginning to spill into public view.
“Our father, Donald Trump, gave me the family name, so I should get to be president first, not Ivanka!” exclaimed Don Jr. in a brief phone call with The Halfway Post. “She wasn’t named Donaldina, or Donna Trump, she’s just boring Ivanka. It’s not even remotely close to my dad’s name. Also, it sounds Russian. Is my sister colluding with Russia? Buy my book when it comes out because it’s going to have some very credible theories you won’t want to miss! But don’t forget that I’m the real Trump heir. I’m Donald Trump Jr., and the presidency is my birthright as the oldest kid, not hers! She better back off her plans to run for president in 2024 because it’s my turn first! If she runs against me, I’m not going to go easy on her just because she’s a girl. I will destroy her if I have to, and my book does exactly that.”
Neither Don Jr. nor Ivanka have officially announced their presidential candidacies yet, but Eric Trump did announce his yesterday in order to be the first.
“I’m not worried about losing to Eric in the primaries,” said Don Jr. “My team’s internal polling has found that the public has a pretty concrete opinion that Eric is the dumb one. Ivanka is the threat. So that’s why my upcoming book will feature all kinds of juicy secrets and gossip about her. Like how she got catfished by a computer hacker pretending to be Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, and her picture is on the wall of several New York City Walmarts for petty theft, and she used to send our dad pictures of herself in her bra to get extra allowance money when we were in high school. My book has so many more Ivanka secrets, so pre-order it today!”
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