Hacker Admits Ted Cruz’s Browser History Is “Really F’ed Up”

Des Moines, IA—

A local computer hacker yesterday claimed to have successfully hacked into Senator Ted Cruz’s personal iPhone, but what he found convinced the hacker to take a break from the hobby.

“Honestly, it was a little terrifying,” said the hacker, who insisted on anonymity. “I was just curious if Cruz’s browser history matched the fundamentalist Evangelicalism he campaigns and legislates on, but I was not prepared for what I saw. It made me decide that maybe I should go back to respecting people’s privacy.”

The Iowan hacker would not go into gratuitous detail of what he encountered on Cruz’s computer, citing The Halfway Post’s family audience and mission for journalistic decency, but did reveal one recurring theme.

“Copious amounts of squirrel porn,” the hacker said. “Hours and hours of it. And by the look of it, some of it was homemade. I did a Google Earth search, and a recurring backyard scene in many of the videos definitely match the tree layout of Cruz’s own yard.”

Senator Cruz’s office denied the squirrel-related allegations vehemently, but declined to confirm if the senator’s phone had been hacked into.

“We are looking into the matter,” said a Cruz staffer that The Halfway Post questioned on the stairs of the Capitol Building, “but I can assure you that if the senator had ever looked at pornography—and I’m not suggesting that the senator ever has—Senator Cruz would certainly only look at heterosexual Homo sapien pornography.”

Despite the potential legal action Senator Cruz is likely to pursue, the hacker plans to reveal more in coming days.

“It’s ironic because Ted Cruz has voted in Congress to repeal regulations requiring Internet service providers to get users’ permission before selling our data to third-party companies,” said the hacker. “I don’t regret doing the same thing to him. I only regret what I saw. But, literally, I cannot emphasize the word ‘copious’ enough when it comes to the amount of squirrel sex content I found on Mr. Cruz’s iPhone.”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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