Mike Pence Distracts Trump From His Worst Impulses With Pudding Cups

Washington D.C.—

According to White House insiders, President Donald Trump’s tempestuous temper tantrums are frequent, but Vice President Mike Pence early on discovered Trump’s rages are easily sidetracked by sugary dessert foods.

Mr. Trump’s favorite sweet treat is reportedly chocolate Snack Pack pudding cups.

“Pence always keeps a dozen of them stocked in his office down the White House hallway from the Oval Office,” explained an executive aide who requested anonymity to discuss candidly the inner workings of the Trump Administration. “As soon as he sees Trump start clenching his fists, folding his arms tightly across his chest, or facially turning from orange to a bright red, Pence sprints to his office, grabs a pudding cup and spoon, and has the foil top removed by the time he can get to Trump’s desk. That calms the President down considerably, and it has averted a lot of potential disasters… a lot. Quite a few nuclear strikes, frankly. Pence probably has to give him three or four pudding cups a day.”

Some majorly impulsive decisions have been averted by a well-timed pudding cup, and Pence has saved the Trump Administration from more controversy than voters would like to know.

“When Nancy Pelosi announced that House Democrats would begin impeachment proceedings, Trump wrote up an executive order drafting her into the Marines with an immediate assignment to be sent to Afghanistan,” revealed another anonymous staffer. “Another time, Trump ordered the military to launch drone strikes against every person Adam Schiff has ever loved, but thankfully Pence was nearby and did a coin-behind-the-ear magic trick with a pudding cup that took the President’s mind off of Schiff. He loves those tricks, and will always clap his little hands and shriek with delight. One time while watching Fox News with Trump during his Executive Time, I saw him tilt his head to the side and start slapping his forehead, and then ask Chief of Staff John Kelly to let him know when a pudding cup falls out.”

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