Jackson, MS—
Uncertain times have befallen the Ku Klux Klan as the spread of the coronavirus into every nook and cranny of the nation has prompted sustained calls for Americans to wear facial coverings when in public. Leaders of the hooded hate group have thus been forced to grapple with two conflicting notions: maintain their heritage while accepting the necessity of personal protective equipment or dishonor their ancestors while standing firm against the “liberal hysteria” of covering one’s face during a global pandemic.
In his first public statements since the 2008 presidential election – which he unfortunately chose not to conclude with a self-inflicted gunshot – Mississippi Grand Dragon Elmore Q. Stonington revealed the extent of deliberations thus far over the matter. At first, he admitted, it was difficult to simply get a hold of his equals in other states, with his initial conference call from an empty can of soup on one end of a fishing line having failed to make any headway.
“This is turning into quite the pickle for us, especially when you have the whole public relations side of it to think about too,” Stonington said. “On the one hand, this is obviously a big Democrat hoax just like the impeachment scam, the Russia witch hunt, and the separation of powers. Plus, we are dying to show how big and tough we are with our exposed nostrils and mouths, just like God intended.”
“On the other hand,” Stonington continued, “could you imagine the horror if we had to burn crosses on the lawns of people who could then pick us out of a lineup? Do you know how many sheriffs in Mississippi alone would be out of work?”
The Klan has seen its recruitment prospects steadily rise ever since the election of the nation’s first commander-in-chief who didn’t require the use of sunscreen. Its future continued to look bright upon the election of an individual who looks like he got way too much sun. But the coronavirus pandemic has had a chilling effect on acquiring new blood since the topic of mask wearing has become a political one, fraying a typically united white supremacist population accustomed to handling infections, albeit usually venereal in nature.
As for any definitive guidance on the issue, Stonington said there are no firm plans in place yet, just like with his brother’s PCP-inspired idea that they get autographs from every antagonist in the 1996 crime drama film A Time to Kill. From the few Klansmen whom he was able to get in touch with – most were either too drunk, too preoccupied posting poorly cropped memes on Parler, or too busy finishing up their applications to Yale Law School – there was a general sense of unease about having two conflicting ideas in their head at the same time.
“I just told them there’s nothing wrong with wearing your hood in the comfort and privacy of your own home or trailer,” Stonington said. He also shared with them the news that a grocery shopper in California who wore a white hood out of frustration with people telling him what he could and couldn’t do would not be facing criminal charges.
“I haven’t felt that encouraged since my wife decided not to leave me for the third time.”
Once known as the “Invisible Empire of the South,” the Klan now mulls the implications of either stowing away their hoods or standing by their heritage – which definitely is not of hate, Stonington insisted – while the Southern states battle what the president has called an “invisible enemy.” For Stonington, who shot down the suggestion that he just wear a normal mask like even Dick Fucking Cheney does, it seems a mess of contradictions has intruded on his way of life.
“I’m about as unsure of how to feel about this as I was about Aunt Jemima being taken off the syrup label,” Stonington said. “Yeah, I want things to stay the same rather than have the politically correct lynch mob get its way – I hate those types of mobs – but I also want as few black faces as possible staring at me when I go to the store.”
Whichever mindset the Klan ends up embracing, if it indeed comes to a resolution at all, there will surely be some members who see things differently, Stonington predicted.
“They’re free to leave,” he said, “but with the world as dangerous and as mean as it is right now, we will always be a welcoming refuge, and I doubt they’d ever want to give that up.”
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