Washington D.C.—
A computer hacker from St. Louis reportedly tricked Ivanka Trump into giving him $45,000 while pretending to be Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
“I guess she really has the hots for Trudeau,” the hacker told The Halfway Post today. “He’s a good looking guy, don’t get me wrong, but Ivanka really surprised me how quickly she was willing to ditch her husband, Jared Kushner. I invented an elaborate scheme posing as Trudeau where I told her I wanted to secretly see her in New York for a few days. I fibbed and said I couldn’t use my own money because of Canada’s strict financial oversight laws for government officials, and she laughed and said America was ‘way easy’ to steal public government money from. Then she sent me $10,000. I said I’d need a little more, and she wired another $20,000 straight into my account. Later that night, she texted me that she had divorce papers ready for Jared the second my plane touched down in New York. I couldn’t believe I was getting away with it.”
The hacker continued to text Ms. Trump for two weeks, and said Ivanka shared many eye-opening family secrets in their late night chats.
“I only wanted the money, but it became so funny to me that she was eager to talk shit on all the other Trumps. She said her dad is addicted to huffing his sharpie markers, and spends his time at Mar-a-Lago wandering around the Oval Office semi-conscious in a sharpie fume-induced daze that only copious lines of powdered Adderall can bring him out of. And, according to Ivanka, her dad’s biggest regret in life was naming Donald Jr. after himself because he’s convinced Don Jr. will tarnish the Trump name after he’s gone. That’s a farcical lack of introspection, isn’t it? She also said Barron and Melania refer to President Trump as ‘Big Fat Doofus’ in Slovenian to each other when he’s in the room, and then burst out laughing to themselves. Oh, and Eric Trump apparently lost all of his money in a fake Bitcoin pyramid scheme, and that’s why he frauds kid-cancer charities. He has no money despite owning 439 trillion FavoriteSonCoins.”
The hacker ultimately earned $40,000.
“I told her I needed extra cash to fake an American passport to sneak in disguised if we were going to keep the affair going, and she told me Putin could help with that. She said all of her family have counterfeit passports, and are prepared to sneak out and get to Moscow if their court cases go bad for them. I said I knew my own guy, but she’d need to send $10,000 to pay for it, and she sent it in 30 seconds. But after that I think she caught on that I wasn’t really Justin Trudeau, and she stopped responding to my texts. But, while it lasted, it was the easiest money I ever earned.”
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