St. Louis, MO—
Top Republican superPAC donor Ralph Edmonds was filmed secretly admitting that the Republican Party has turned “bats*** crazy” last week at a donor meeting for his political action group Billionaires Against Taxes.
“Something in conservatives’ brains snapped from the irate intensity of their Obama derangement syndrome,” Edmonds told his donors. “And their persecution-complexed, cultural insecurities went haywire. Especially as Democrats have since turned extra idealistically progressive in an equal and opposite reaction to all the societal problems taking root thanks to Republicans’ preposterous Constitutional subterfuge in both the letter and the spirit of the law, as well as their personal Congressional oaths to protect the country and their branch of government from unbalanced executive overreach.”
Edmonds paused for a moment.
“You know, I get hard-ons for tax cuts as much as the next guy, but it’s just not worth it to keep Trump in office if he’s going to kill everyone with COVID,” Edmonds continued. “We can’t make a profit and enjoy low taxes if there are no more consumers to buy our products and services. I’ve been Republican my entire life, but I have to admit that Democrats are actually, relatively good at governing, at least compared to Republicans, if largely because Democrats merely do not elect pavlovian intellectual lightweights who brainlessly repeat the tired mantra that government is the problem, and then creatively find ways to prove their self-fulfilling axiom of societal self-destruction. And America has a lot of problems. At some point some extra tax money is going to have to be raised to solve our glaring societal cancers, you know? And Congressional Republicans have really gotten carried away. Whether they use their political careers exploiting governmental policy-making and regulatory responsibilities for personal enrichment, or are maintaining long, lazy bureaucratic careers paying opportunistic lip service to wedgy single-issue voters, Republicans are hypocritically sucking off the government teat of the exact pay, healthcare and benefit perks they campaign sleazily against everyone else getting. You see, it’s not a problem of the system, of our public democracy, but a glaring problem of our system’s Republican input. The GOP is insane! And the output has spit out a raving village idiot president.”
“Trump only got elected on an unpopular technicality, and has since bumbled for several maddening years from one unforced error crisis to another. Now, ultimately, he’s bumbled his way into a textbook manufactured pandemic because he psychologically cannot comprehend, let alone concede, his modus operandi of making worse every problem that comes to his desk. And he’s nearly finished corroding and smearing every thing still good, functional and pleasant about American Federalism. Trump just has to lose for the good of the country, and for the good of the world because of how much international responsibility is vested in the United States being an exemplary and idealistic example of democratic stability. And because the COVID pandemic is going to ravage us if Joe Biden doesn’t put professional adults in charge.”
Edmonds shook his head.
“Meanwhile, Republicans daily assault our cognitive self-respect sermonizing vacuously about a plethora of faux-libertarian fairy tales to convince the conservative wing of America’s voting public that Americans are not bravely, patriotically free unless they spend their lives needlessly suffering underpaid, uninsured, and unable to build a middle class standard of living employed in any of the ubiquitous service economy jobs left that haven’t yet been surrendered to some distant, developing nation whose human rights can more conveniently and legally be infringed upon. Or surrendered to robots. It’s a childish conception of freedom. It’s not freedom for inflation to go up 2% every year and for Americans to not get a raise or minimum wage bump in ten-plus years. And there is insult in this civic injury because contemporary Republican ideology is a superficial mask for gluttonously corrupt political self-dealing every election when their laissez-faire political capital is rewarded gratuitously by the private corporate interests who profit handsomely, even monopolistically, from continuing to be able to rob their workers of the labor rights and profit share once sworn to all citizens in a previous era of more vigorous, self-sufficient progressive equality. But I digress. This election I’m spending all our superPAC money on getting Joe Biden elected.”
Every donor in the group unanimously agreed to endorse Biden.
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!